My 365 day journey from single to forever... not a catalog of dates and internet idiots...
looking inside myself to make the changes I need to make to become a better person.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Day 43- Cinderella

Cinderella has always been my favorite fairy tale. From the first time I saw it, it was the one I was willing to watch over and over.

I mean, think about it. The quiet girl, who always does what she is told, has siblings who are unjustly favored, and has dreams of being swept off of her feet... finally meets the man of her dreams, who rescues her, loves her for herself and not her social status, and best of all, he is Prince Charming...

Now, add in something about Cinderella having 4 children, being an aspiring writer, a bad housekeeper, and letting him add her to his phone plan and his car insurance to save them both money... and all of the sudden we are talking about me...

On one hand it is easy to think that being Cinderella would be wonderful. I mean, how could you not love to be cherished and adored!?! But what happens, in real life, when Cinderella doesn't need rescued anymore? Can the prince handle it when she wants to do something on her own, when she wants to do something to prove to herself that she can do it without help?

Or, worse yet, what if Cinderella always needs rescuing? What if Cinderella turns out to be the kind of girl that needs someone else to motivate and inspire her... or even just help her finish her projects that she starts. What if Cinderella turns out to be something she didn't seem to be in the first place... Bitchy, grouchy, lazy, angry, hormonal, unmotivated, unappreciative, or just unhappy?

I suppose everyone has been all of these at one time or another. I know I have. Cinderella probably had been too... but how would Prince Charming know after just a few days? Anyone can be too good to be true for awhile.

Honestly? I am scared for them/us. Which one of them is going to let the other down first? Which one will be the bigger disappointment? I hope it isn't either, but in reality, somebody still has their rose-colored glasses on and can't keep their eyes off of me.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Day 41- Road Trip

Don't despair, I do still exist.

The kids and I are leaving tomorrow for a trip to Minnesota. Sounds like a super cool vacation, huh? Wrong. My youngest is four years post transplant and this is her yearly checkup. 18 appointments in 5 days.


But, we have to go... and I know we will see friends there and we will have some good food (Thank you Ronald McDonald House!) and have a little fun too.

I will try to write more and remember to keep you all updated!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Day 36- Love vs Logic

A Beautiful Mind is in my top five movies of all time. I love it for a million different reasons. I especially love this quote...

"What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found." -Nash

NG very openly tells me that he loves me. It is something I'm not used to. I told him that OG ("Old Guy" formerly known as HIM -Thanks Kyla-) took an entire year to tell me he loved me. NG just said "Well I'm a lot smarter than him." It made me smile.

NG wants us to move in. We've been here for four nights in a row now and have two more before we head home for a night. And while there typically would be no hurry to do so, school starts in a few weeks and the question is decided by where I enroll the children. They love it here. I think they want to live here. I know I could be happy here. We have discussed how the whole thing of combining incomes can work for both of us. I have seen how the whole thing of combining households is working for us. Everything seems to be going really great.

In fact, part of me wonders what I am so worried about. When I started this blog, I was doing so to write myself through the next year of changes in my life. Now, changes are coming as fast as can be and I'm the one that is slightly freaking out.... isn't this what I wanted? Honestly, some of my friends and family are freaking out too. They are telling me it is too soon. They are telling me to slow down.

So, do I listen to their logic and reason (for many of them it hasn't worked out in their own lives?) Maybe I should listen to my own logic and reason... but you can see where that got me before. Or maybe, this time, I should throw caution to the wind and see what happens.

I think we have a great chance of surviving. I haven't looked at my list recently, but NG has nearly every quality on it...If it was just me, I would have done it already. I would be living here and pitching in and making this home. But I'm very worried about what would happen to the kids if this didn't work out.

When the last few times a relationship didn't work out for me, I tumbled into a pit of despair. Looking back, I can see how things worked out... but I can never see that when I'm actually in the pit. I hate that pit and I don't ever want to be there again. It wasn't good for the kids. They acted out. They were angry. OG was downright cruel to them when he left me, and it was hard for them to figure out how someone who says he loves them can act like that.

Then again, NG and I compliment each other. I can see us doing great things together. We have lots of similar ideas. Now, money is not the most important thing, of course... but with his technical knowledge and my creativity, I see us building a comfortable life for ourselves. You know, the second person in a couple is called the "other half" for a reason... because we make each other better people... a whole person...

Imagine what might have happened without this better half...

Thank you for continuing to listen to the drama that is my life! I will catch up on some blog posts later. His kids are great, but having SIX of them home at the same time is never easy. I do love them though! They are awesome kids. I think my kids will learn a lot from them and they were learn a few things from my kids.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Day 34- What Doesn't Kill Us...

What doesn't kill us... makes us stronger, right?

In this case though, I'm talking about family.... Mine.

So today was a big for NG and I. We all woke up and went back to my home town (an hour away) for church. He met several members of my church family and I was happy to know he wasn't completely turned off by the atmosphere there. A charismatic church is not for everyone, but he seemed to be okay with it. Praise and worship went extra long today, which means there was no sermon. It was disappointing because I love my pastor. I really wanted to hear him preach today. NG said he did too, but maybe next time.

After church we had a cook-out at my mom's house. So NG met the actual family as well. In fact, my sister's birthday was last week so we combined the "let's meet NG" party with the "Happy 30th Birthday" party. So, not only did he get to meet my mom and my sister, but I invited my dad and his wife as well.

My sister and I don't speak due to too much drama in her life. While she doesn't bring all of it on herself, the 95% she does bring on herself makes it a bit harder for me to be sympathetic to the other 5%.


NG and I bought most of the food for the cookout. It was no problem. I had planned on buying it in the first place. What I hadn't counted on was the sweltering weather. Nobody wanted to stand over the hot grill when it was already over 100 degrees outside including the heat index. So, I got started on it, but NG said he didn't want me to be stuck doing it and jumped in in my place.

So, besides meeting my family, he also cooked all the food for today, fixed my mom's computer, and washed all of the dishes.

He was wonderful. I think my family really liked him. They told him several times how well-behaved his kids are...

In the mean time, my sister made sure that I knew she still doesn't like me, while my mom made one passive-aggressive comment after the next only pausing to pinch my belly fat when I walked by once.

It was a good day though... know why? NG was there with me. He makes me smile. He reminds me that there is nothing going on that is worth stressing out about.

I love him.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Day 31- Putting Your Behind in Your Past

As Pumba would say... "Ya gotta put your behind in your past..." Hakkuna Mattata, right?

Every day as I live life, my brain works overtime. Something always sparks a memory of something else, a thought of someone else, an experience I've had... But lately I am wondering if these memories are more than just a brain that is making connections.

I think back to the movie A Beautiful Mind and remember where Russell Crowe's friends and family discover he has gone off of his medication. They go into his shed and see hundreds of newspaper clippings. All of them have things circled and lines drawn between them. All of them are, according to Crowe's character, somehow connected and part of a conspiracy.

For him, a symptom of his illness was the making connections. I don't think it is a symptom of anything for me. I think it is more of a quirk that is holding me back some days. Here is an example:

Several years ago my van was a piece of junk. It was not safe to be a driver or passenger. I had no power steering, no heat, very bad brakes, and a whole slew of electrical problems (including locking itself without warning.) My boyfriend at the time (HIM) decided that he would help us out.

He bought my current van, put it in my name, refused to talk about payments, and made two comments that, I thought, told me where he stood on the whole thing. First he said, "It would be silly for me to make you pay for it if we are planning on getting married." (Because, in theory, we both believed in pooling out assets - I later found out that in reality he was not so much.) Also, he said that he was putting it only in my name because he didn't want to have any question about who's van it was. He said, "If we ever break up then I know it will have been for something really bad... and I'll consider it worth the cost of the van to be rid of you."

He took all the accolades from friends and family who told him he was a saint. He took my "Thank you for caring about the kids and I's safety this much" adoration. He never said a word. Then, just over a year later, I was rear-ended and received an insurance check. There was a long conversation about what to do with the money (most of it went for medical bills for my youngest), but he held out his hand and said that I should hand it over to him as partial payment for the van. I laughed. I thought he was kidding.

He wasn't.

It took me a year to pay him off, but I finally did it. Most of the people that know me told me I was crazy for doing it, and that the money I sent to him should have gone towards stuff my kids need. They may be right, but I did not want to be forever known as the girl who let him buy her a car and took off... no matter how far it was from the truth, the story would have been spun that way.

I do want to point out that I never asked him for financial help with anything. I didn't want to be 'rescued.' I wanted to do it on my own. But I had no choice when it came to the van. My children's safety was involved, and I sincerely thought I was going to marry him soon.

So, when money issues come up with NG and I, and he offers to help, I immediately freak out just the tiniest bit, thinking about all the trouble it has caused me in the past.

But then NG and I were talking (He needs a better nickname than NG for New Guy... any ideas?) about financial issues and he said something about me contributing to the household. I told him that if we were together then we were in everything together and everything went in one big financial bucket and we would go from there with budgeting and such.

And an amazing thing happened... He was all for it. He totally agreed with me. He didn't say, "Of course you think that way... you get the better end of the deal." or "Yeah right, like I'm going to let you touch my money." He said that once we got to that point, he'd add me to his bank account and get me a debit card.

I still don't want NG to bail me out of the messes I've made... but feeling like an equal... not like someone who should be grateful to be getting to sit in his presence... is wonderful. It makes me think about the connections my mind makes with issues from the past and say, "This is NG. Not some other guy you've dated in the past. You've never met another man like this, and you never will."

I'll leave you with a photo of the beautiful roses he bought me yesterday. I know you can't count them all in the photo, so I will tell you there are 50... 50 'just because I love you and I know you like flowers' roses.

Dear God, I truly believe you sent NG and I towards each other because you have some special plans for our lives. I so look forward to sitting on a porch swing someday, watching our grandkids play and saying, "So this was the plan... thanks for looking out for us... This is better than anything we could have imagined on our own."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I Won!

I'm a little bit behind in saying thank you, but I wanted to take a minute to say thank you to Frugal Down Under.

I left a comment on her giveaway blog and won a copy of the book "Your Mortgage And How To Pay It Off in Five Years"

This is me, telling her THANK YOU! and telling you to take a few minutes to stop by her blog and learn something new!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Day 29- Tattle-tale Tuesday

Yep, it's that time again already where I tell on myself and how I have been doing this week with my goals. Let's see, where do I start?

I lost 3.5 pounds this week. Yay!

I am in a great relationship as of this week. Double Yay!

Because of that, I feel like talking about HIM isn't important. It has taken this new relationship to show me how much better love can be. While I will always care about the person who will not be a part of my life any longer, I can't imagine ever wanting what I had then over what I have now.

My credit score has stayed the same for the last month.

The title loan that I never should have gotten is due this Friday as well as the balance of my Rent-to-Own purchase. I will never do either one of those things ever again. It is going to be hard work to dig myself out there. I think I have just barely enough, but I have been trying to find another loan to use to pay off my title loan... anything under 300% interest would be an improvement. I'll let you know how those work out.

I missed some days blogging... but it was because I was out living life... so I can't fault myself for that.

I got the house more packed up and cleaned up than it was before, but I still have so much to do. The kids are home though, and that is making it more difficult. I don't know why they think it is okay to just look at me and say "no" when I tell them to do something... but it is very frustrating.

This comic has little to do with today's topic... but it makes me laugh.

I hope you are all having a great week! I will catch up on my blog reading and commenting later today...

Monday, July 11, 2011

Day 28- They were right...

How many times have I been sad and lonely and wishing that I could just find "The One?" How many times have I wished that I could be back with someone who I thought was "The One" just because I didn't want to be alone... just because being alone was scary.

Not long ago... just a little more than 28 days ago actually... I decided I was done with men. I was tired of being wanted for only one thing. I was tired of my high expectations being met with less-than-acceptable-traits in men. I was tired of so many things.

So then, a few posts ago I mentioned that I broke my own rule and met a guy for a Coke. He was nice, and I enjoyed our conversation... but I didn't feel like he was that interested. Five days later he invited me at the very last minute to come out on the boat with his family for the evening. This is not something I would normally do, but I had no kids at home and it suddenly sounded very fun to jump in my van and take off for the river.

Here I am, five days after that, feeling like I have met the man I am supposed to marry. I have never been treated this well. I have never felt this much love and compassion. I have never connected with someone on so many levels. Even when I met 'HIM', and I thought we connected so well, I see a totally different connection here.

I am a little bit terrified, since we are both about three months out of serious relationships. It just smacks of 'rebound' ... but I feel like I would know if that is what is happening... and I don't get that at all. We also both have kids who could get hurt in this... who have been hurt by our previous relationships. Next weekend NG will officially meet the kids. He will also meet my mom and go to church with us.
I will probably write a whole post soon on what I believe love is... but I can tell you now that I love NG and his kids. This was an amazing weekend and I can't wait to spend many more with them...

"Love is a verb, It ain't a thing
It's not something you own, It's not something you scream
When you show me love, I don't need your words
Yeah, love ain't a thing, Love is a verb
Love ain't a thing, Love is a verb"
-John Mayer "Love is a Verb"

Friday, July 8, 2011

Day 25- Time Flies!

I can't believe I missed posting two days in a row! The last couple of days have been very busy and I was away from my computer a lot.

That guy that I broke my rule for and went out and had a coke with last weekend? Well, he invited me to come out to the river with his family ... I had a really great time. They all love me and the new guy (NG) is, from what I can tell, smitten. It really is adorable. And I mean, of course he would be, right? Because I am pretty awesome (some days).

But now I am conflicted... because i never meant to get back into dating at all right now. I totally feel the need to do some things on my own and stand on my own two feet and be confident in my own abilities. However, I kind of like this guy and don't want to push him away...

The other night NG kissed me and told me I am beautiful. It was awesome...

But the thought ran through my head shortly after that the ex that I refer to as HIM on here, never told me I was beautiful... and then I wondered if the very fact that HE was in my head at that moment means that I'm not ready for whatever else was going on...

NG and I also talked a little bit about the long term implications of us... our kids and his new house, etc... It was a little scary.

The last time I had conversations like that I had been with HIM for a couple of years already... and it ended in a mess. So talking about that stuff after a couple of days? I don't know... maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew... or maybe I should push myself away from the table altogether.

No... I don't know if I like that idea either.

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Day 22- Tattletale Tuesday

Oh no! It is that time again!

(No not THAT time... I won't ever announce that on my blog. I promise.)

It's Tuesday, where I tell you how I am coming on my goals.

HIM- I basically left him alone. There was one email asking if I had left my swimsuit over there at his house. He said no and I left him alone after that. Oh, and the day he added me back on one of the messenger programs. I waited a day and said "Did you add me back on for a reason?" He denied adding me back on and told me he would block me right then and he did.

My diet- I really just need to eat better... and I'm not doing a good job.

My exercise- I did ride my bike a little bit... but not nearly enough.

My weight- up 3 lbs.

Money- If I can just get more work done, I will do okay. Right now I am treading water... not what I intended to do.

I did manage to do a great job getting some housework done this week with the kids gone. It is such good motivation to get a job done and be satisfied with it. It makes me want to do more.

"You have to set goals that are almost out of reach. If you set a goal that is attainable without much work or thought, you are stuck with something below your true talent and potential." - Steve Garvey

Monday, July 4, 2011

Day 21- Getting There

So I'm writing again even though I didn't intend to. Why? Because it was this or stupidly call/email HIM in the hopes he would talk to me for a few minutes... and I know better.

I am reboxing and condensing the Christmas decorations and stuff and I found some extra wide wired ribbon in both white and silver. They were technically Christmas ribbons, but I thought they would make beautiful additions to wedding bouquets or some other decorations. I bought them on clearance for our wedding... because I just knew an engagement was coming.

I can't believe I actually thought he would marry me...

Except. of course, I am the 'sir' in this comic...

Okay, I got it all out... now back to work!

Day 21- Happy Fourth

I wonder if this blog is doing me the good that I intended it to do. I want to be accountable to somebody, even if it the outside world of perfect strangers, for the things that I want to do to better my life. Sometimes, I feel like a bit of a whiner though.

Today there is a marathon of a TV show that I really like... It is called "Royal Pains."

The great thing about the 'drama' of the show is that it isn't too fast paced to do housework and watch at the same time. I haven't checked to see what else is on today because I don't want to be any more distracted than usual.

I'm getting a lot done. I just have to be careful not to veer off course.

Today I want to:
Finish going through downstairs toys
Organize and repack Christmas closet
(Yes I have an entire closet of stuff to decorate for my favorite holiday.)
Pack up most of the books in the playroom
Get all the laundry washed and dried
Go for a long bike ride
Find a few more things to sell
Finish & Submit two articles

That is a lot for one day... but I can do it!

Enjoy your fourth!

Praying everyone has a happy and safe holiday...

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Day 20- I didn't call

I didn't call. I didn't go for a walk and accidentally end up near HIS house.
I didn't drink any alcohol. I didn't email him either.

Instead I'm posting here.

I have 2 more full days with no children and I plan on doing a lot of cleaning today. If I'm ever going to sell this house, I have got to get it into shape and days with no kids are good days to do that because I can throw away stuff they will never miss...

Also, it is the birthday of one of my best friends. I'm sort of broke, so I don't know what to do... but I want to do something...

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Day 19- Innocent

A friend of mine who is interested in me was in town today and had some time and asked me to meet him for a Coke. I did. I know... I broke my own rule right?

Anyway... one of the things he has said to me before and again today is that I am "so innocent" and how he doesn't know what to think of that. When I protest, he tells me that there is nothing wrong with being innocent... but I tried to tell him I'm not anyway.

He laughed that I protested so hard and I guess I should just give up.

My ex (HIM) thought that I was an innocent too... and when I would say something or do something he would say that he loved that I was always doing stuff that was shocking. I was always surprising him. But I wonder when it happened that I wasn't surprising him anymore. Is that when he lost interest? I guess it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I broke my rule about hanging out with men and remembered why I created that rule... because now I'm sitting here thinking about HIM. And it is stupid. I know... because he is likely at his house taking a nice swim around the pool without a care in the world... and definitely none about me.

Anyway, here is a thought for the day...

Friday, July 1, 2011

Day 18- Yeah, I am kinda awesome... some days

So a reader told me I seem pretty awesome and asked why I am trying to make all of these changes... here is my answer...

Honestly, the problem is that while I am pretty sure I KNOW I have the propensity for greatness, I often settle for what I feel is 'just good enough'.

When my ex and I broke up after 4 years, I crashed from 'just good enough' to way below how I deserve to be treating myself. I have come close to ruining my credit via 'retail therapy', gained 40lbs, sending HIM long "I need/want to fix this" emails even though I KNOW that it probably can't be fixed and I deserve better. I have gone out on several dates just to not feel alone and ended up feeling even worse about myself because, well, let's just say I knew I deserved better than the guys I went out with.

Also, If you have read through all of the posts (it is okay if you haven't) there is an incident that I allude to on "Day 6"... and while I know that it wasn't necessarily my fault... I have to make sure that I am in a place within myself where nobody thinks that using me in any way is 1.) okay and 2.) something I will not fight.

So, my current varying level of self-esteem is what happens when a young women spends years of her life dealing with jerks on whom she has hung her entire self-worth.

I've decided it is time to prove to myself what a great person I really am... I need to love myself based on myself... and nothing else.

Now I feel like I am talking in circles, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I know what I am capable of, and these goals I have set for myself will get me where I want to be...

I think this comic expresses it perfectly...

I am just blogging out the "Then A Miracle Occurs" part. :-)