Day 231 - Making Bacon

A friend of mine sent a text asking me if I was okay today.

I told him that the hardest part about all of this is that my heart is broken and I tear up when NG and I have to be in the same room together, while NG acts as thought nothing is wrong. I finished with "Men are pigs. :-P

My friend said, "Well make some bacon... it works with lemons and lemonaide, so why not?"

So, I'm not sure how... but I'm going to make bacon. (I hope God's not still Kosher...lol)


I said that I was going to start living with the faith of Joshua. How do I do that? I need to trust God for everything. EVERYTHING. I've done it before... and the stories are amazing... (I will share them at some point) so why did I quit? When did I quit? I don't know... but I know that if I start again, and truly believe in Him for ALL THINGS... even the impossible... God will provide, and provide far past my wildest dreams...

In all things, I have to remember ...

I am a treasure.

I deserve to be treated as such.

Nobody who thinks I'm "not good enough" is good enough for me.

God is good.

Most importantly of all, I have NEVER ONCE been alone...

Day 230 - Lightbulb Moment

230 days ago I started writing a blog about how I planned to change my life.

I gave myself a year to make a whole bunch of changes and I was going to keep track of them through this blog, right? I wanted to be able to look back and see where I had come from...

Anybody else thing there are a lot of "I"s in those sentences?

This afternoon I was reading "Sun Stand Still"... a book about not just believing God to do big things, but expecting Him to do them in faith... BIG things... like Joshua asking God to still the Sun in the sky.

A thought hit me out of the blue... I KNOW why my life is suddenly a big mess... I was working on MY PLANS for me... instead of HIS PLANS for me.

Today I have been trying to plan out everything... where we will go, what we will do, how we will get there... when I KNOW that if I put it in God's hands, He will blow me away with what He does for us.

If anyone ever checks in here anymore, feel free to come back and see what amazing things He has planned for us in the next few months.

If we are on your prayer list by any chance... keep praying... it's working. :-)

Day 229 - Wow

Well, 365-229 is 136... so now I have 136 days left to get to where I wanted to be last year when I started writing.

Where am I now? About 5lbs heavier and heartbroken.

Yes, we are still in New Guy's house... but yesterday he let me know that he has decided he wants me to move out in June (when the school year ends). He wants me to forget everything he promised me, all the begging he did to get us here, all the dreams I thought we shared, and just "move out amicably" in June.

If you are like me, you are asking yourself what I asked myself... "So did we just break up, or is he telling me he wants us to continue just the way we have been for the last 6 months until I have to leave?"

Apparently I am supposed to keep cooking, cleaning, taking care of all the kids, and not be upset by the fact that the man that I love sleeps a few feet from me, but doesn't want me anymore (or wont want me anymore in a couple of months?). My 14yr old offered to share her bed with me, but I just can't do it... I can't let my 14yr old take on the role of comforter for me...

I have to be a grown up and face the consequences of the decisions I made... the decision that so many people told me was wrong. Heck, I said "no" a hundred times before I said "yes," but he was so convincing. He was my prince... treating me the way I deserved to be treated... like a treasure.

What a fool I was.

I have to go to bed. I can't write any more tonight, but I'm sure I'll be back. I need sleep. I pulled something in my back today and it is killing me.... also, I dont want any tears on my keyboard.

Jimmy Fallon on SNL made me giggle, but it was temporary. Goodnight.

Day 122 - The Root of All Evil

So, if you know me IRL, your first thought when you saw that title was "She's writing about BD?" Nope, I'm talking about money.

(And for those of you who aren't sure BD=baby-daddy. It is the nicest thing I can think to call him.) He does keep harassing me and threatening me with DCFS, but none of it is new to me when it comes to him... so I'll just keep going and shrug it off.

Anyway, on to money...

NG and I are are both a little in debt. Not so much that it is a catastrophe, and not so much that we are unable to ever get out of it, but enough that our current income has to be carefully monitored to make sure things don't get turned off on a regular basis.

Every month that I have been here so far I have set up a budget. The hard part about having a budget is letting the person who doesn't know what the budget says have a debit card. I have, very nicely said several times that I need him to get cash and only use the cash that is in his pocket unless it is an specific expense. But he brings in half of the household income... so I can't very well put my foot down and tell him to stop spending money without my permission, right?

This is especially true because I know that there are times where I go out and spend $20 without blinking. And, while one part of me says that I am getting upset at him for doing the same thing I am doing, the other part reminds me that before I spend a penny I have a plan of how the other bills will get paid and how much I can spend and how much the thing(s) I'm buying are really needed. (And when they are things that are not really needed, yes I do feel guilty.)

I get upset when he buys stuff, not because he is buying without my permission, but because he is used to buying whatever he wants whenever he wants and doesn't seem to see the importance of saving even a few dollars here or there. I've asked him to do several things that should help our situation, but they don't get done. So do I just keep bugging him even though I know he is very busy right now or do I just not say anything and pay the extra hundreds of dollars it is costing us...?

Am I being real here? Or am I setting a double standard or just being plain unreasonable? I don't know.

Here is the other problem. I love this guy. I don't want to make him angry or upset. I don't want to guilt him into eating PB&J every day for lunch. He goes out of his way to take care of me... and I want to do the same for him. Right now though, I am trying hard to keep our heads above water and I don't know how to communicate that lovingly.

I will just keep praying and paying tithes. It makes a difference. It will help. We will get through this. I do not plan to have issues stemming from fighting over money.

Anyone else have some input?

Day 121 - Fall

Ok, so I didn't get off to a good start with the blogging and the writing. I could make excuses. I could tell you how I had no internet for 24 hours that basically encompassed my writing time on two different days. I could tell you about mountains of laundry and hungry children and an absent-mindedness that has followed me since childhood. I won't. No point, right? I just need to get to work!

First today I'm writing to you, then in my book, and lastly for my editor who is probably a little upset that he hasn't had any new articles from me recently. If I have time, I have some writing jobs to apply for as well... before making homemade rolls for the church potluck tonight and getting the flowers planted outside.

Fall has always been my favorite season. The temperatures are close to perfect. There is less rain than in the spring. In the evenings I can wrap up in a blanket or put on a sweatshirt. My new home has given me yet another reason to love fall; the scenery.

Now, to be honest, I have always loved the scenery of fall. However, something about having it in right here in my own back yard makes it much more exciting this year. Here are a few pictures of the scenery on the drive up the hill to the area of town where my house is...

That water is the Illinois River.

Beautiful trees.

While there is much to do outside in our backyard, I am already enjoying the view out my office window and look forward to seeing deer and other animals walk through in the winter months and landscaping and flowers coming together in the spring to inspire me to write more.

Where do you write? Is it somewhere inspiring or is it

somewhere quiet and simple with no distraction?

Thought for the day...

"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader—not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon."
E.L. Doctorow

Day 116 - Miles to Go Before I Sleep

I know you haven't heard from me in a while. Believe it or not, life with 6 children, a man and his mother can be quite hectic!

I created this blog to be a record of all of the changes that happen over the year, and SO MUCH has happened. Really though, I know that I have much farther to go. So, here I am again.

My goal again is to write here every day, whether it is a book's worth or a few sentences. In addition to that, I am working on my book again. I have decided that if I set a small goal to write daily, I will still be miles ahead of where I am right now when I get to the end of the month.

My goal then, for the book only, is to write 500 words per day. I still need to work on articles and find other writing work to do. I have some irons in the fire that I will be excited to share with you at some point.

I hope you are all having a blessed day!

Today, while browsing a friend's blog and seeing some ads on a commercial website for glasses and contacts, I found myself mentally correcting their spelling and grammar. Do you do that when you read? I know someone who needs this shirt:

Day 71- Birthday Weekend

My birthday weekend is over, and it has completely solidified within me that I am where I am supposed to be for so many reasons.

First, we took in a stray. No, not an animal... a person. Lol. A friend of NG's from high school is down on his luck and we took him in for a few days to help him get on his feet. It reminded me of the time that there was the huge earthquake in Haiti and I wanted to adopt a couple of children from there. I knew it would never happen, but I mentioned it to OG (old guy) because there was an ache in my heart over not being able to help others in need. He thought it was a stupid idea. Really, I shouldn't have been surprised. He had never been a 'sharer'. He would give things away and he could be generous, but he didn't like to share things that were 'his' ... his house, his car, his life, ... you know, anything that anybody might 'mess up'.

Anyway, my point is that this is filling a similar space for me. I feel like we are giving back, changing someone's life, just by opening our home. In return, we are also teaching our children lessons about how we treat others and help our friends.

Secondly, we went out alone during the day and had a little bit of fun. Eating, talking, shopping, just enjoying each other. It didn't have to be a big party or anything... just the fact that he took time for me on my birthday was important and meaningful to me.

After that, we had A LOT more fun. A few people joined us and we started playing Pictionary. After the girls totally whipped the boys' butts, we switched to skip-bo and then went down to watch a movie. We ended up not sleeping until 5am. I haven't stayed up that late in forever! Lots of fun.

There has been a lot of teamwork this weekend as well. Closets are being filled, the house is taking shape, kids are learning a routine. I wake up here in the mornings and never wish that I was anywhere else.

P.S. I would like to thank our local school district for ending my birthday celebration with a final big "hurray" by sending all of my children back to school today for 6 hours. You guys rock!