Day 25- Time Flies!

I can't believe I missed posting two days in a row! The last couple of days have been very busy and I was away from my computer a lot.

That guy that I broke my rule for and went out and had a coke with last weekend? Well, he invited me to come out to the river with his family ... I had a really great time. They all love me and the new guy (NG) is, from what I can tell, smitten. It really is adorable. And I mean, of course he would be, right? Because I am pretty awesome (some days).

But now I am conflicted... because i never meant to get back into dating at all right now. I totally feel the need to do some things on my own and stand on my own two feet and be confident in my own abilities. However, I kind of like this guy and don't want to push him away...

The other night NG kissed me and told me I am beautiful. It was awesome...

But the thought ran through my head shortly after that the ex that I refer to as HIM on here, never told me I was beautiful... and then I wondered if the very fact that HE was in my head at that moment means that I'm not ready for whatever else was going on...

NG and I also talked a little bit about the long term implications of us... our kids and his new house, etc... It was a little scary.

The last time I had conversations like that I had been with HIM for a couple of years already... and it ended in a mess. So talking about that stuff after a couple of days? I don't know... maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew... or maybe I should push myself away from the table altogether.

No... I don't know if I like that idea either.

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock

Day 8- On my way

So, here is my update. While I am really disappointed in some things about this week, I have to make a note that the things I am disappointed about, I didn't work on whole-heartedly.

Let's start with the bad. My weight the same. I followed maybe 2 of the rules that go along with the Carb-Lover's Diet. I am pretty sure that eating at a Chinese buffet is not one of those rules.

This week I intend to write out a shopping list and find appropriate recipes so that I can test the diet out the way it was meant to be done.

I am in slightly less debt today than I was last week. That is not on purpose though. I forgot about a payday loan from my bank that they took back when I received my child support check this week.

The good news is that I am living with what I have left, and refusing to borrow from the bank again.

Talking to HIM. Well, that obviously went very badly. Once I was finally able to get him to talk to me about anything person he became mean and angry. I sent him a few 'final' emails. I asked him a few questions that he is refusing to answer about our break-up. They are things that I know will help me move on, but he doesn't want to tell me. Unless I hear different I might just decide to believe he is gay.

So, no talking to him this week. 7 days. I can do that.

I had a few opportunities to spend time with men who are interested in me this week. I could have done it easily just for the companionship. One kept talking about snuggling and watching a movie, which sounds awesome... but I know I'm not ready. So I turned down every date offer this week. I know that sounds terrible, like I get a lot of offers or something... but honestly, I just know that I am too 'damaged' right now to be dating material... and a lot of it was multiple offers from the same people.

I paid my tithes this week. I know it is the right thing to do and that I will be blessed for it. Do you know how I know? A few hours later I got an order for some writing that will bring in about $500.

Now I just have to get over this writer's block when it comes to this company.

Okay, off to write some more.

Day 5- I'm a liar. Do you believe me?

I am a liar. Do you believe me?

I'd like to blame my parents. When I was growing up, both of my parents lied constantly. They wouldn't call it telling a lie. They would call it not hurting someone's feelings, staying out of trouble, or 'it's the truth'... with some added details for dramatic effect... The problem with this is that children learn and don't even realize they are learning something wrong.

I'd like to blame my ex-husband. He lied just for the sake of lying. He would lie about what he had for breakfast just for the thrill of getting away with it. He lied about a checkbook that was 'stolen' and purchases he couldn't have made with it... only for me to find the receipts stashed somewhere months later. Knowing he lied to me, made it easier to lie to him. It was a passive aggressive way of dealing with him.

But really, I'm an adult now. I know the difference between right and wrong. So telling the truth should be easy, right? Sometimes.

If I am scared of someone for any reason, I have been known to tell them what they want to hear to escape their anger. The more stressful a situation, the more likely an unintentional lie would slip out. It took a long time for me to see that as a lie... and even longer to try to change it.

I have been very careful in stressful situations lately to pay close attention to what I am saying and writing.

So yesterday, via email, I caught myself starting to tell HIM a lie. It was something that didn't matter in the big picture and something he never would have found out about. But I stopped myself. Still, I didn't feel right. So I sent him a second email telling him what happened and taking responsibility for it.

He didn't respond, but I didn't expect him to. He will talk to me about one subject and one subject only right now... anything personal is out.

But this isn't about him anyway. This is about me, making myself a better person, whether he cares about the changes I am making in my life or not...

I really hope that is the truth.

"Honesty does not always bring a response of love,

but it is absolutely essential to it."

Ray Blanton