Day 29- Tattle-tale Tuesday

Yep, it's that time again already where I tell on myself and how I have been doing this week with my goals. Let's see, where do I start?

I lost 3.5 pounds this week. Yay!

I am in a great relationship as of this week. Double Yay!

Because of that, I feel like talking about HIM isn't important. It has taken this new relationship to show me how much better love can be. While I will always care about the person who will not be a part of my life any longer, I can't imagine ever wanting what I had then over what I have now.

My credit score has stayed the same for the last month.

The title loan that I never should have gotten is due this Friday as well as the balance of my Rent-to-Own purchase. I will never do either one of those things ever again. It is going to be hard work to dig myself out there. I think I have just barely enough, but I have been trying to find another loan to use to pay off my title loan... anything under 300% interest would be an improvement. I'll let you know how those work out.

I missed some days blogging... but it was because I was out living life... so I can't fault myself for that.

I got the house more packed up and cleaned up than it was before, but I still have so much to do. The kids are home though, and that is making it more difficult. I don't know why they think it is okay to just look at me and say "no" when I tell them to do something... but it is very frustrating.

This comic has little to do with today's topic... but it makes me laugh.

I hope you are all having a great week! I will catch up on my blog reading and commenting later today...

Day 28- They were right...

How many times have I been sad and lonely and wishing that I could just find "The One?" How many times have I wished that I could be back with someone who I thought was "The One" just because I didn't want to be alone... just because being alone was scary.

Not long ago... just a little more than 28 days ago actually... I decided I was done with men. I was tired of being wanted for only one thing. I was tired of my high expectations being met with less-than-acceptable-traits in men. I was tired of so many things.

So then, a few posts ago I mentioned that I broke my own rule and met a guy for a Coke. He was nice, and I enjoyed our conversation... but I didn't feel like he was that interested. Five days later he invited me at the very last minute to come out on the boat with his family for the evening. This is not something I would normally do, but I had no kids at home and it suddenly sounded very fun to jump in my van and take off for the river.

Here I am, five days after that, feeling like I have met the man I am supposed to marry. I have never been treated this well. I have never felt this much love and compassion. I have never connected with someone on so many levels. Even when I met 'HIM', and I thought we connected so well, I see a totally different connection here.

I am a little bit terrified, since we are both about three months out of serious relationships. It just smacks of 'rebound' ... but I feel like I would know if that is what is happening... and I don't get that at all. We also both have kids who could get hurt in this... who have been hurt by our previous relationships. Next weekend NG will officially meet the kids. He will also meet my mom and go to church with us.

I will probably write a whole post soon on what I believe love is... but I can tell you now that I love NG and his kids. This was an amazing weekend and I can't wait to spend many more with them...

"Love is a verb, It ain't a thing

It's not something you own, It's not something you scream

When you show me love, I don't need your words

Yeah, love ain't a thing, Love is a verb

Love ain't a thing, Love is a verb"

-John Mayer "Love is a Verb"

Day 25- Time Flies!

I can't believe I missed posting two days in a row! The last couple of days have been very busy and I was away from my computer a lot.

That guy that I broke my rule for and went out and had a coke with last weekend? Well, he invited me to come out to the river with his family ... I had a really great time. They all love me and the new guy (NG) is, from what I can tell, smitten. It really is adorable. And I mean, of course he would be, right? Because I am pretty awesome (some days).

But now I am conflicted... because i never meant to get back into dating at all right now. I totally feel the need to do some things on my own and stand on my own two feet and be confident in my own abilities. However, I kind of like this guy and don't want to push him away...

The other night NG kissed me and told me I am beautiful. It was awesome...

But the thought ran through my head shortly after that the ex that I refer to as HIM on here, never told me I was beautiful... and then I wondered if the very fact that HE was in my head at that moment means that I'm not ready for whatever else was going on...

NG and I also talked a little bit about the long term implications of us... our kids and his new house, etc... It was a little scary.

The last time I had conversations like that I had been with HIM for a couple of years already... and it ended in a mess. So talking about that stuff after a couple of days? I don't know... maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew... or maybe I should push myself away from the table altogether.

No... I don't know if I like that idea either.

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock

Day 22- Tattletale Tuesday

Oh no! It is that time again!

(No not THAT time... I won't ever announce that on my blog. I promise.)

It's Tuesday, where I tell you how I am coming on my goals.

HIM- I basically left him alone. There was one email asking if I had left my swimsuit over there at his house. He said no and I left him alone after that. Oh, and the day he added me back on one of the messenger programs. I waited a day and said "Did you add me back on for a reason?" He denied adding me back on and told me he would block me right then and he did.

My diet- I really just need to eat better... and I'm not doing a good job.

My exercise- I did ride my bike a little bit... but not nearly enough.

My weight- up 3 lbs.

Money- If I can just get more work done, I will do okay. Right now I am treading water... not what I intended to do.

I did manage to do a great job getting some housework done this week with the kids gone. It is such good motivation to get a job done and be satisfied with it. It makes me want to do more.

"You have to set goals that are almost out of reach. If you set a goal that is attainable without much work or thought, you are stuck with something below your true talent and potential." - Steve Garvey

Day 20- I didn't call

I didn't call. I didn't go for a walk and accidentally end up near HIS house.

I didn't drink any alcohol. I didn't email him either.

Instead I'm posting here.

I have 2 more full days with no children and I plan on doing a lot of cleaning today. If I'm ever going to sell this house, I have got to get it into shape and days with no kids are good days to do that because I can throw away stuff they will never miss...

Also, it is the birthday of one of my best friends. I'm sort of broke, so I don't know what to do... but I want to do something...

Day 19- Innocent

A friend of mine who is interested in me was in town today and had some time and asked me to meet him for a Coke. I did. I know... I broke my own rule right?

Anyway... one of the things he has said to me before and again today is that I am "so innocent" and how he doesn't know what to think of that. When I protest, he tells me that there is nothing wrong with being innocent... but I tried to tell him I'm not anyway.

He laughed that I protested so hard and I guess I should just give up.

My ex (HIM) thought that I was an innocent too... and when I would say something or do something he would say that he loved that I was always doing stuff that was shocking. I was always surprising him. But I wonder when it happened that I wasn't surprising him anymore. Is that when he lost interest? I guess it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I broke my rule about hanging out with men and remembered why I created that rule... because now I'm sitting here thinking about HIM. And it is stupid. I know... because he is likely at his house taking a nice swim around the pool without a care in the world... and definitely none about me.

Anyway, here is a thought for the day...

Day 17- To Dream a Dream

When I have a dream at night that sticks with me during the day, I often look up the possible interpretations of the dream and its elements. I wonder if 'dream dictionaries' are like newspaper horoscopes. I apologize to those of you who believe in them, but dream dictionaries and horoscopes both seem to be written in such a broad manner that they can cover anything.

Last night I dreamed about having a new baby. It was a little girl and she was in so many places in different dreams. The dream dictionaries I have read say that dreaming about babies can represent new beginnings... and that could totally be true. Right?

What is cool about that idea is how it applies to the rest of the dreams...

I felt a little bit overwhelmed by the new baby.

I was trying hard to provide for the new baby, but had trouble finding the money.

Some people stepped forward to help when I needed them.

But there were two things about the new baby that strike me now...

First, I tried to share the baby with HIM... and he wasn't interested.

Secondly, I was proud of the new baby... I showed her off a lot.

So, was my mind really telling me about the new beginnings that are coming... that I might need help, and I need to be careful with my money, and I might feel overwhelmed? That it is okay that HE doesn't want to be a part of it and that I will be proud of myself in the end?

Who knows really... but I do love this quote...

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I can't wait to see that come true yet again... Well, I'm off to bed...

Sweet dreams...

Day 16- Oops

I wrote this last night, but didn't hit post...

(but on a second look I noticed it still posted yesterday's date.. so nevermind. lol)

It hit me today that not only have I gone over 72 hours without bothering about HIM, I have even gone that long without really wanting to talk to him.

I realized today that I need to work harder at some of my goals. I like the diet, but the working out hasn't been top of my list.

Just buying pizza "this one more time" instead of going to the store isn't good enough. Just taking a nap when I know I need to go for a bike ride or do a work out game on the kinect is not going to cut it.

I want to say this too... I have complete faith that God is the reason I will be able to make these changes and make this move and do the things that I need to do over the next year. However, there are two parts of that statement that don't quite go far enough. First, I will be making the changes with His help... but it will still take effort and energy on my part. Secondly, I am relying on prayer... it is an important part of what is happening here.

I fully believe that giving credit to God is an important part of being successful.

Day 15- Tattle-tale Tuesday

So, here is my weekly update. You want to know how I'm doing on all of my goals, right?

My weight is basically the same. I know why that is, but it is still frustrating. I have not been doing my 30 minutes of exercise a day. I have tried several times, but was shut down one way or another. Okay, that isn't completely true. All of those times it was the person I was supposed to go with who canceled on me... I could have gone on my own... but I didn't.

I was lax in finding myself some new recipes... but I have had a lot of banana smoothies and apple oatmeal cereal.

I am not in less debt today than I was last week. I am probably in more. Barely, but more none the less.

Talking to HIM. I don't know why it is that on the days that I am dealing with something big in my life, he is the one I want to turn to. So, I emailed him a few times. The last time was an apology for the few times before. I haven't contacted him about 'us' in almost 48 hours.

So, once again, the goal is no talking to him this week. 7 days. I can do that.

Once again I have stood my ground against men who wanted to get together.

No money has come in the last week, but tomorrow I will pay my tithes.

Today I have:

Turned down two guys who think "hey sexy" is an appropriate, respectful way to say hello to a stranger.

worked on some cleaning

worked on some writing

written this blog!

made a plan to look at some houses in the new town.

called storage places

Today I will:

Get my 30 minutes of movement in.

Spend 30 minutes cleaning the garage.

Make a healthy dinner

Fold laundry

I love this comic:

Change the fabric of your own soul and your own visions, and you change all.
~Vachel Lindsay~

Day 8- On my way

So, here is my update. While I am really disappointed in some things about this week, I have to make a note that the things I am disappointed about, I didn't work on whole-heartedly.

Let's start with the bad. My weight the same. I followed maybe 2 of the rules that go along with the Carb-Lover's Diet. I am pretty sure that eating at a Chinese buffet is not one of those rules.

This week I intend to write out a shopping list and find appropriate recipes so that I can test the diet out the way it was meant to be done.

I am in slightly less debt today than I was last week. That is not on purpose though. I forgot about a payday loan from my bank that they took back when I received my child support check this week.

The good news is that I am living with what I have left, and refusing to borrow from the bank again.

Talking to HIM. Well, that obviously went very badly. Once I was finally able to get him to talk to me about anything person he became mean and angry. I sent him a few 'final' emails. I asked him a few questions that he is refusing to answer about our break-up. They are things that I know will help me move on, but he doesn't want to tell me. Unless I hear different I might just decide to believe he is gay.

So, no talking to him this week. 7 days. I can do that.

I had a few opportunities to spend time with men who are interested in me this week. I could have done it easily just for the companionship. One kept talking about snuggling and watching a movie, which sounds awesome... but I know I'm not ready. So I turned down every date offer this week. I know that sounds terrible, like I get a lot of offers or something... but honestly, I just know that I am too 'damaged' right now to be dating material... and a lot of it was multiple offers from the same people.

I paid my tithes this week. I know it is the right thing to do and that I will be blessed for it. Do you know how I know? A few hours later I got an order for some writing that will bring in about $500.

Now I just have to get over this writer's block when it comes to this company.

Okay, off to write some more.

Day 7- Following and Being Followed

So yesterday's post was probably a bit of a shock for the few people who know me in real life. I'm fine. I'm over it for the most part. I didn't tell people for a lot of reasons. I've learned my lesson about trusting people who others tell me are not trustworthy.

As for the reaction I got when I told HIM, I don't know what to think. It is so unlike him that I can't help but think he is either a)trying to push me away and is being mean to do that, b)really hates me enough to think that. Either way, trying to work things out with him is out of the question. I have to stop clinging to the memories of the good days... and let him go.

Tomorrow I get to update the blog on how the things I want to change in my life have gone over the last week as a whole... I have a feeling it is going to be a little disappointing.

At some point I hope a few followers that don't know me in real life will be a boost to help me stick to what I need to do and encourage me to keep going. I'd be glad to follow your blog too if you are reading this. Just leave a comment and I'll check you out.

In other words... if you want to see how this all turns out...

But don't follow too closely... sometimes I run into walls.

-Waiting

Day 6- What I deserve

I don't want to share details of the incident itself. It is his reaction to the incident that I'm writing about here.

So, in a weak moment yesterday while talking to HIM, I shared a somewhat recent event that I haven't mentioned to anyone else. It was a share that I am both regretting and thankful for.

When we were together and he would be mad or jealous of someone, he always took it out on me. Just once I wanted him to tell the person off or throw one punch to defend my honor. He never did.

Maybe I thought this was a chance for him to redeem himself... If it was he failed miserably. How does anyone tell a woman that a sexual assault was "what she deserved?"

I wish I hadn't told him... but at the same time now I know how he really feels... right? Who wants a man who could treat a woman like this?

I almost feel more violated now than I felt by the actual incident.

Maybe this is the wake-up call I needed to see that he really wasn't any better than anyone else I ever dated. He wasn't a knight in shining armor after all. Just a control freak with a 'nice-guy' demeanor.

"It's not the first time, not the only time and unfortunately not likely to be the last time that a lack of knowledge about sexual assault resulted in victim blaming decisions and behavior." ~Jae Weiss

Day 5- How I like my eggs...

If you have seen the movie "The Runaway Bride" you know that Richard Gere's character discovered that Julia's character never lived her own life. She always absorbed the traits of the man she dated. Her favorite eggs were whatever he liked. Near the end of the movie she has an epiphany and tries every single type of eggs that she can think of to decide which ones are her favorite.

I am not her. I don't conform to the man I am dating in every sense of the word. However, there are ways that I have done this in the past.

When I married my ex-husband, he loved baseball. I was immediately a baseball fan. We traveled to games a couple of times a season when we could. I even bought him playoff tickets for his birthday. I was a baseball fan. I watched baseball movies. I brushed up on my baseball stats. Today, I rarely know who's on top of the baseball standings.

I had another ex who was a NASCAR fan. Our dating was short-lived but I discovered a favorite driver and followed the sport from afar. I made a Jeff Gordon baby blanket for that ex so that he could wrap our baby in it when she was born.

Then there is HIM. You know who he is. He loved NASCAR and baseball and football. Since I already knew about NASCAR, I threw myself into it as a common interest between the two of us. I even brushed up on NASCAR trivia and lingo. I'd cheer when his favorite baseball team was on top and laugh with him about how bad his favorite football team was.

The last year that we were together I decided that I would throw myself into football as well. The sport obviously made him happy, so I wanted to be a part of that. I bought him tickets to a football game for Christmas. The game was awesome, but the weekend was off. He complained a lot and it really hurt my feelings. I still wish I could understand what was going on with him.

Anyway, my point is that I had a great time at the game itself. I also realized that I have had a great time at every game I've ever been too live. So, egg lesson #1 for me was "I like my sports live."

A few weeks ago a friend and I went to a NASCAR race. It was amazing. When the green flag dropped for the first time, I teared up. I didn't sit for the first 25 laps. It was amazing. Oops, I think I already said that. I had the best time ever while I was there. We almost got heat stroke, we had to beat a storm to get under the stands, I got flooded with water, I sat in and around my van for over an hour during the delay. I got to see the track dryers... who would have thought I would be excited to see track dryers!?! lol It was an awesome day.

Egg lesson #2: I really do love NASCAR.

(As I was typing that Carl Edwards regained the lead and won the race today!)

So it turns out I like my eggs fast, turning left, and oval... and even if my eggs aren't like that exactly, I will enjoy any kind of eggs as long as I'm surrounded with thousands of screaming fans.

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is

perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." -- Bertrand Russell

Day 5- I'm a liar. Do you believe me?

I am a liar. Do you believe me?

I'd like to blame my parents. When I was growing up, both of my parents lied constantly. They wouldn't call it telling a lie. They would call it not hurting someone's feelings, staying out of trouble, or 'it's the truth'... with some added details for dramatic effect... The problem with this is that children learn and don't even realize they are learning something wrong.

I'd like to blame my ex-husband. He lied just for the sake of lying. He would lie about what he had for breakfast just for the thrill of getting away with it. He lied about a checkbook that was 'stolen' and purchases he couldn't have made with it... only for me to find the receipts stashed somewhere months later. Knowing he lied to me, made it easier to lie to him. It was a passive aggressive way of dealing with him.

But really, I'm an adult now. I know the difference between right and wrong. So telling the truth should be easy, right? Sometimes.

If I am scared of someone for any reason, I have been known to tell them what they want to hear to escape their anger. The more stressful a situation, the more likely an unintentional lie would slip out. It took a long time for me to see that as a lie... and even longer to try to change it.

I have been very careful in stressful situations lately to pay close attention to what I am saying and writing.

So yesterday, via email, I caught myself starting to tell HIM a lie. It was something that didn't matter in the big picture and something he never would have found out about. But I stopped myself. Still, I didn't feel right. So I sent him a second email telling him what happened and taking responsibility for it.

He didn't respond, but I didn't expect him to. He will talk to me about one subject and one subject only right now... anything personal is out.

But this isn't about him anyway. This is about me, making myself a better person, whether he cares about the changes I am making in my life or not...

I really hope that is the truth.

"Honesty does not always bring a response of love,

but it is absolutely essential to it."

Ray Blanton

Day 4- Harder than I thought

Yesterday I sent HIM a message to have a good day at work right before I knew he would leave. Why? I don't know.

Yesterday my new pots and pans finally came via UPS. I got a great deal on the set ($150) but I felt too guilty to even take them out of the box yet. I will later.

What else did I do? Well, after blogging about my spending habits and my debts, I went out and got a pedicure a bought some stuff at Goodwill (A brand new $170 juicer for $20).

Also, after blogging about needing to lose weight I sat down to eat tortilla chips... too many of them.

Lastly, after saying that I think I need to spend some time being single a guy that has been texting me wants me to meet him and go out on a date. Do I think he is 'the one'? Nope. But do I give him the benefit of the doubt, or am I just setting myself back a few months in the case that it takes that long for us to decide we won't work out?

Do I compromise because he might keep me from being lonely for awhile? I can't.

I think it is a bad idea... and really unfair to him.

A good friend of mine commented today that I am clearly not over the breakup from February yet. I am still in love with HIM. I thought he was the one. But I have to accept the facts, right? Even as I type this I have a hope in the back of mind and the bottom of my heart, that he will come back to me in some form. As a friend, a lover, a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband... in some form? Hell, I want all of him back... but I have to let go... right?

I don't want to cling to a hope if God has a different plan for my life. I would hate to spend so much time staring wistfully at HIM and hoping he is 'the one' that I miss the REAL 'the one'... if 'the one' exists at all.

"The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence;

it is to act with yesterday’s logic."

— Peter Drucker

Day 2 - I am not a stalker

So in the wee early morning hours I decided that it was a good idea to "give him up." I decided to quit trying to talk to him, email, text , or call. Now, I am really proud of that decision and I really want to email and tell him! (Instead I am posting for the second time today.)

His house is on a busy street that is the shortest route to my house from most places in town. I drive by without thinking about it or even looking at his house several times a day, except today.

Today I drove by three times. On purpose.

His house looks so sad and quiet and lonely. I planted the flowers that are growing in front. They don't look as beautiful driving past as they would if i was sitting on the porch with him, enjoying them.

Repeat after me, "I am not a stalker. I am not a stalker."

"Ive learned that you cant make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them

and hope they panic and give in..." -Unknown

Day 2 - He really doesn't love me

I have always believed that love is a choice. So why does it shock me and break my heart to know that the man I have loved for several years wants nothing to do with me? He didn't even tell the children goodbye. He just came over one day, presented me with "evidence" that I was a bad girlfriend, and he left. Game Over.

The break-up was bogus. I texted an ex who had been a friend several times (4 months before the day of the break-up and not again since) after being forbidden to do so by the then-current bf. Yes, forbidden. There are so many things I could say here... but to go through it all makes no sense. We disagreed on where the line should be with this ex... and in the end it was cited as the reason I was "let go." We won't even get into the part where he got into my online phone records to check that information...

To be honest, I was not happy. I felt like something was wrong. The things that he used to love about me had become things he would complain to me about. Quick, witty jokes, and sometimes even 12-yr-old-boy-ish humor... "Hehe, that guy on TV just asked that girl to hold his balls." (Some sort of sports ball I'm sure... but it made me laugh!) He used to love my cuddling. He used to love my writing. Things were going south and I had no idea how to stop it from happening.

Things I expected him to do as a boyfriend, he never did. He worked second shift, which is very hard for a family to deal with... and he said he would probably never change it for us. He hated helping me with projects at my house. A badly-wired light switch sat for four years and he never fixed it... he was an electrician.

I did love him. He was smart and funny. He had so many of the qualities I wanted in a husband. He was tall and handsome. He was a good singer, and I didn't even care that he was a bad cook. Everything that I wanted to love about him, I did. Everything I wanted to forget, I did. I was under the impression that he would be proposing soon... and looking back now I think I would have done anything for that ring..... but he kept pushing me farther and farther away and only became annoyed if I asked questions. Still, I love him.

In the four months since we have been broken up, the longest I have gone without calling, texting, or emailing him is 15 days. If I find a reason to talk to him, I instantly think of 15 more things I need to tell him.

He refuses to see me or the children. My kids are all missing him too. The teen is angry about the way he left... especially because just days before he had talked to her about us living in his house someday. My son cried for 2 minutes and wouldn't let me hug him when it happened... now he won't say the bf's name. The younger ones miss him a lot. They ask if they can go visit, and I have to tell them no.

If love is a choice, a verb, an action word, then why would I love someone who chooses not to love us anymore?

So, here we go. Day 2... I'm going to quit bothering him for good. I deserve to be treated better than this, right? Say some prayers. It won't be easy.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better

to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.