Day 29- Tattle-tale Tuesday

Yep, it's that time again already where I tell on myself and how I have been doing this week with my goals. Let's see, where do I start?

I lost 3.5 pounds this week. Yay!

I am in a great relationship as of this week. Double Yay!

Because of that, I feel like talking about HIM isn't important. It has taken this new relationship to show me how much better love can be. While I will always care about the person who will not be a part of my life any longer, I can't imagine ever wanting what I had then over what I have now.

My credit score has stayed the same for the last month.

The title loan that I never should have gotten is due this Friday as well as the balance of my Rent-to-Own purchase. I will never do either one of those things ever again. It is going to be hard work to dig myself out there. I think I have just barely enough, but I have been trying to find another loan to use to pay off my title loan... anything under 300% interest would be an improvement. I'll let you know how those work out.

I missed some days blogging... but it was because I was out living life... so I can't fault myself for that.

I got the house more packed up and cleaned up than it was before, but I still have so much to do. The kids are home though, and that is making it more difficult. I don't know why they think it is okay to just look at me and say "no" when I tell them to do something... but it is very frustrating.

This comic has little to do with today's topic... but it makes me laugh.

I hope you are all having a great week! I will catch up on my blog reading and commenting later today...

Day 22- Tattletale Tuesday

Oh no! It is that time again!

(No not THAT time... I won't ever announce that on my blog. I promise.)

It's Tuesday, where I tell you how I am coming on my goals.

HIM- I basically left him alone. There was one email asking if I had left my swimsuit over there at his house. He said no and I left him alone after that. Oh, and the day he added me back on one of the messenger programs. I waited a day and said "Did you add me back on for a reason?" He denied adding me back on and told me he would block me right then and he did.

My diet- I really just need to eat better... and I'm not doing a good job.

My exercise- I did ride my bike a little bit... but not nearly enough.

My weight- up 3 lbs.

Money- If I can just get more work done, I will do okay. Right now I am treading water... not what I intended to do.

I did manage to do a great job getting some housework done this week with the kids gone. It is such good motivation to get a job done and be satisfied with it. It makes me want to do more.

"You have to set goals that are almost out of reach. If you set a goal that is attainable without much work or thought, you are stuck with something below your true talent and potential." - Steve Garvey

Day 20- I didn't call

I didn't call. I didn't go for a walk and accidentally end up near HIS house.

I didn't drink any alcohol. I didn't email him either.

Instead I'm posting here.

I have 2 more full days with no children and I plan on doing a lot of cleaning today. If I'm ever going to sell this house, I have got to get it into shape and days with no kids are good days to do that because I can throw away stuff they will never miss...

Also, it is the birthday of one of my best friends. I'm sort of broke, so I don't know what to do... but I want to do something...

Day 18- Yeah, I am kinda awesome... some days

So a reader told me I seem pretty awesome and asked why I am trying to make all of these changes... here is my answer...

Honestly, the problem is that while I am pretty sure I KNOW I have the propensity for greatness, I often settle for what I feel is 'just good enough'.

When my ex and I broke up after 4 years, I crashed from 'just good enough' to way below how I deserve to be treating myself. I have come close to ruining my credit via 'retail therapy', gained 40lbs, sending HIM long "I need/want to fix this" emails even though I KNOW that it probably can't be fixed and I deserve better. I have gone out on several dates just to not feel alone and ended up feeling even worse about myself because, well, let's just say I knew I deserved better than the guys I went out with.

Also, If you have read through all of the posts (it is okay if you haven't) there is an incident that I allude to on "Day 6"... and while I know that it wasn't necessarily my fault... I have to make sure that I am in a place within myself where nobody thinks that using me in any way is 1.) okay and 2.) something I will not fight.

So, my current varying level of self-esteem is what happens when a young women spends years of her life dealing with jerks on whom she has hung her entire self-worth.

I've decided it is time to prove to myself what a great person I really am... I need to love myself based on myself... and nothing else.

Now I feel like I am talking in circles, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I know what I am capable of, and these goals I have set for myself will get me where I want to be...

I think this comic expresses it perfectly...

I am just blogging out the "Then A Miracle Occurs" part. :-)

Day 16- Oops

I wrote this last night, but didn't hit post...

(but on a second look I noticed it still posted yesterday's date.. so nevermind. lol)

It hit me today that not only have I gone over 72 hours without bothering about HIM, I have even gone that long without really wanting to talk to him.

I realized today that I need to work harder at some of my goals. I like the diet, but the working out hasn't been top of my list.

Just buying pizza "this one more time" instead of going to the store isn't good enough. Just taking a nap when I know I need to go for a bike ride or do a work out game on the kinect is not going to cut it.

I want to say this too... I have complete faith that God is the reason I will be able to make these changes and make this move and do the things that I need to do over the next year. However, there are two parts of that statement that don't quite go far enough. First, I will be making the changes with His help... but it will still take effort and energy on my part. Secondly, I am relying on prayer... it is an important part of what is happening here.

I fully believe that giving credit to God is an important part of being successful.

Day 15- Tattle-tale Tuesday

So, here is my weekly update. You want to know how I'm doing on all of my goals, right?

My weight is basically the same. I know why that is, but it is still frustrating. I have not been doing my 30 minutes of exercise a day. I have tried several times, but was shut down one way or another. Okay, that isn't completely true. All of those times it was the person I was supposed to go with who canceled on me... I could have gone on my own... but I didn't.

I was lax in finding myself some new recipes... but I have had a lot of banana smoothies and apple oatmeal cereal.

I am not in less debt today than I was last week. I am probably in more. Barely, but more none the less.

Talking to HIM. I don't know why it is that on the days that I am dealing with something big in my life, he is the one I want to turn to. So, I emailed him a few times. The last time was an apology for the few times before. I haven't contacted him about 'us' in almost 48 hours.

So, once again, the goal is no talking to him this week. 7 days. I can do that.

Once again I have stood my ground against men who wanted to get together.

No money has come in the last week, but tomorrow I will pay my tithes.

Today I have:

Turned down two guys who think "hey sexy" is an appropriate, respectful way to say hello to a stranger.

worked on some cleaning

worked on some writing

written this blog!

made a plan to look at some houses in the new town.

called storage places

Today I will:

Get my 30 minutes of movement in.

Spend 30 minutes cleaning the garage.

Make a healthy dinner

Fold laundry

I love this comic:

Change the fabric of your own soul and your own visions, and you change all.
~Vachel Lindsay~

Day 14- My House

When I moved to the house I am in now, I was in a tight spot. I had to get out of the house I had been in. The first time I saw this house I loved it. I just knew that it was the house that God had planned for us.

Everyday I would drive to this house and pull in the driveway and pray for this house. I told God that I didn't know how he was going to do it, but I knew that this was our house and I was so excited to see what he was going to do for us.

One day, after some vandalism to the driveway of the house, the owner dropped the price by another $5,000. I knew it was time. I made the best offer I could, knowing that is was absolutely ridiculous. $500 down and $300 per month until I could get a real loan from a bank. I had no idea if the owner would sell it on contract or not. Praise the Lord, she did.

Now, here I am, almost five years later and I am getting ready to put my faith in God the same way again. We are moving.

I have such a peace about the move... even though I threw a fit for about the first 6 hours even when I knew it was what we were supposed to do. I even blamed a lot of people for making me uproot my life and move all of us an hour away. But by later that night and through church the next morning I just felt the peace that I needed about the move.

So, besides all of the other goals I have listed for the year (that I will update you on tomorrow) my life is about to be turned upside down by trying to find a new house, in a good neighborhood, with good schools.

Once again, I CAN'T WAIT to see what God is going to do for us now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the upside, when it comes time to start dating again... there will be a whole new pool of men to choose from.

Day 10- The Next Big Change

Okay, so we have covered not dating. We have covered getting out of debt. We have covered eating better. Next: Exercise.

Goal: 30 Minutes a day of ACTIVITY of some sort.

(So if I take the stairs instead of the elevator, that counts as a minute.)

I think I can do it. Do you? Leave me some encouragement if you actually read this.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. ~Joey Adams

Day 5- I'm a liar. Do you believe me?

I am a liar. Do you believe me?

I'd like to blame my parents. When I was growing up, both of my parents lied constantly. They wouldn't call it telling a lie. They would call it not hurting someone's feelings, staying out of trouble, or 'it's the truth'... with some added details for dramatic effect... The problem with this is that children learn and don't even realize they are learning something wrong.

I'd like to blame my ex-husband. He lied just for the sake of lying. He would lie about what he had for breakfast just for the thrill of getting away with it. He lied about a checkbook that was 'stolen' and purchases he couldn't have made with it... only for me to find the receipts stashed somewhere months later. Knowing he lied to me, made it easier to lie to him. It was a passive aggressive way of dealing with him.

But really, I'm an adult now. I know the difference between right and wrong. So telling the truth should be easy, right? Sometimes.

If I am scared of someone for any reason, I have been known to tell them what they want to hear to escape their anger. The more stressful a situation, the more likely an unintentional lie would slip out. It took a long time for me to see that as a lie... and even longer to try to change it.

I have been very careful in stressful situations lately to pay close attention to what I am saying and writing.

So yesterday, via email, I caught myself starting to tell HIM a lie. It was something that didn't matter in the big picture and something he never would have found out about. But I stopped myself. Still, I didn't feel right. So I sent him a second email telling him what happened and taking responsibility for it.

He didn't respond, but I didn't expect him to. He will talk to me about one subject and one subject only right now... anything personal is out.

But this isn't about him anyway. This is about me, making myself a better person, whether he cares about the changes I am making in my life or not...

I really hope that is the truth.

"Honesty does not always bring a response of love,

but it is absolutely essential to it."

Ray Blanton

Day 4- Harder than I thought

Yesterday I sent HIM a message to have a good day at work right before I knew he would leave. Why? I don't know.

Yesterday my new pots and pans finally came via UPS. I got a great deal on the set ($150) but I felt too guilty to even take them out of the box yet. I will later.

What else did I do? Well, after blogging about my spending habits and my debts, I went out and got a pedicure a bought some stuff at Goodwill (A brand new $170 juicer for $20).

Also, after blogging about needing to lose weight I sat down to eat tortilla chips... too many of them.

Lastly, after saying that I think I need to spend some time being single a guy that has been texting me wants me to meet him and go out on a date. Do I think he is 'the one'? Nope. But do I give him the benefit of the doubt, or am I just setting myself back a few months in the case that it takes that long for us to decide we won't work out?

Do I compromise because he might keep me from being lonely for awhile? I can't.

I think it is a bad idea... and really unfair to him.

A good friend of mine commented today that I am clearly not over the breakup from February yet. I am still in love with HIM. I thought he was the one. But I have to accept the facts, right? Even as I type this I have a hope in the back of mind and the bottom of my heart, that he will come back to me in some form. As a friend, a lover, a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband... in some form? Hell, I want all of him back... but I have to let go... right?

I don't want to cling to a hope if God has a different plan for my life. I would hate to spend so much time staring wistfully at HIM and hoping he is 'the one' that I miss the REAL 'the one'... if 'the one' exists at all.

"The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence;

it is to act with yesterday’s logic."

— Peter Drucker