Day 28- They were right...

How many times have I been sad and lonely and wishing that I could just find "The One?" How many times have I wished that I could be back with someone who I thought was "The One" just because I didn't want to be alone... just because being alone was scary.

Not long ago... just a little more than 28 days ago actually... I decided I was done with men. I was tired of being wanted for only one thing. I was tired of my high expectations being met with less-than-acceptable-traits in men. I was tired of so many things.

So then, a few posts ago I mentioned that I broke my own rule and met a guy for a Coke. He was nice, and I enjoyed our conversation... but I didn't feel like he was that interested. Five days later he invited me at the very last minute to come out on the boat with his family for the evening. This is not something I would normally do, but I had no kids at home and it suddenly sounded very fun to jump in my van and take off for the river.

Here I am, five days after that, feeling like I have met the man I am supposed to marry. I have never been treated this well. I have never felt this much love and compassion. I have never connected with someone on so many levels. Even when I met 'HIM', and I thought we connected so well, I see a totally different connection here.

I am a little bit terrified, since we are both about three months out of serious relationships. It just smacks of 'rebound' ... but I feel like I would know if that is what is happening... and I don't get that at all. We also both have kids who could get hurt in this... who have been hurt by our previous relationships. Next weekend NG will officially meet the kids. He will also meet my mom and go to church with us.

I will probably write a whole post soon on what I believe love is... but I can tell you now that I love NG and his kids. This was an amazing weekend and I can't wait to spend many more with them...

"Love is a verb, It ain't a thing

It's not something you own, It's not something you scream

When you show me love, I don't need your words

Yeah, love ain't a thing, Love is a verb

Love ain't a thing, Love is a verb"

-John Mayer "Love is a Verb"

Day 25- Time Flies!

I can't believe I missed posting two days in a row! The last couple of days have been very busy and I was away from my computer a lot.

That guy that I broke my rule for and went out and had a coke with last weekend? Well, he invited me to come out to the river with his family ... I had a really great time. They all love me and the new guy (NG) is, from what I can tell, smitten. It really is adorable. And I mean, of course he would be, right? Because I am pretty awesome (some days).

But now I am conflicted... because i never meant to get back into dating at all right now. I totally feel the need to do some things on my own and stand on my own two feet and be confident in my own abilities. However, I kind of like this guy and don't want to push him away...

The other night NG kissed me and told me I am beautiful. It was awesome...

But the thought ran through my head shortly after that the ex that I refer to as HIM on here, never told me I was beautiful... and then I wondered if the very fact that HE was in my head at that moment means that I'm not ready for whatever else was going on...

NG and I also talked a little bit about the long term implications of us... our kids and his new house, etc... It was a little scary.

The last time I had conversations like that I had been with HIM for a couple of years already... and it ended in a mess. So talking about that stuff after a couple of days? I don't know... maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew... or maybe I should push myself away from the table altogether.

No... I don't know if I like that idea either.

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock

Day 19- Innocent

A friend of mine who is interested in me was in town today and had some time and asked me to meet him for a Coke. I did. I know... I broke my own rule right?

Anyway... one of the things he has said to me before and again today is that I am "so innocent" and how he doesn't know what to think of that. When I protest, he tells me that there is nothing wrong with being innocent... but I tried to tell him I'm not anyway.

He laughed that I protested so hard and I guess I should just give up.

My ex (HIM) thought that I was an innocent too... and when I would say something or do something he would say that he loved that I was always doing stuff that was shocking. I was always surprising him. But I wonder when it happened that I wasn't surprising him anymore. Is that when he lost interest? I guess it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I broke my rule about hanging out with men and remembered why I created that rule... because now I'm sitting here thinking about HIM. And it is stupid. I know... because he is likely at his house taking a nice swim around the pool without a care in the world... and definitely none about me.

Anyway, here is a thought for the day...

Day 18- Yeah, I am kinda awesome... some days

So a reader told me I seem pretty awesome and asked why I am trying to make all of these changes... here is my answer...

Honestly, the problem is that while I am pretty sure I KNOW I have the propensity for greatness, I often settle for what I feel is 'just good enough'.

When my ex and I broke up after 4 years, I crashed from 'just good enough' to way below how I deserve to be treating myself. I have come close to ruining my credit via 'retail therapy', gained 40lbs, sending HIM long "I need/want to fix this" emails even though I KNOW that it probably can't be fixed and I deserve better. I have gone out on several dates just to not feel alone and ended up feeling even worse about myself because, well, let's just say I knew I deserved better than the guys I went out with.

Also, If you have read through all of the posts (it is okay if you haven't) there is an incident that I allude to on "Day 6"... and while I know that it wasn't necessarily my fault... I have to make sure that I am in a place within myself where nobody thinks that using me in any way is 1.) okay and 2.) something I will not fight.

So, my current varying level of self-esteem is what happens when a young women spends years of her life dealing with jerks on whom she has hung her entire self-worth.

I've decided it is time to prove to myself what a great person I really am... I need to love myself based on myself... and nothing else.

Now I feel like I am talking in circles, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I know what I am capable of, and these goals I have set for myself will get me where I want to be...

I think this comic expresses it perfectly...

I am just blogging out the "Then A Miracle Occurs" part. :-)

Day 16- Oops

I wrote this last night, but didn't hit post...

(but on a second look I noticed it still posted yesterday's date.. so nevermind. lol)

It hit me today that not only have I gone over 72 hours without bothering about HIM, I have even gone that long without really wanting to talk to him.

I realized today that I need to work harder at some of my goals. I like the diet, but the working out hasn't been top of my list.

Just buying pizza "this one more time" instead of going to the store isn't good enough. Just taking a nap when I know I need to go for a bike ride or do a work out game on the kinect is not going to cut it.

I want to say this too... I have complete faith that God is the reason I will be able to make these changes and make this move and do the things that I need to do over the next year. However, there are two parts of that statement that don't quite go far enough. First, I will be making the changes with His help... but it will still take effort and energy on my part. Secondly, I am relying on prayer... it is an important part of what is happening here.

I fully believe that giving credit to God is an important part of being successful.

Day 2 - I am not a stalker

So in the wee early morning hours I decided that it was a good idea to "give him up." I decided to quit trying to talk to him, email, text , or call. Now, I am really proud of that decision and I really want to email and tell him! (Instead I am posting for the second time today.)

His house is on a busy street that is the shortest route to my house from most places in town. I drive by without thinking about it or even looking at his house several times a day, except today.

Today I drove by three times. On purpose.

His house looks so sad and quiet and lonely. I planted the flowers that are growing in front. They don't look as beautiful driving past as they would if i was sitting on the porch with him, enjoying them.

Repeat after me, "I am not a stalker. I am not a stalker."

"Ive learned that you cant make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them

and hope they panic and give in..." -Unknown