My 365 day journey from single to forever... not a catalog of dates and internet idiots...
looking inside myself to make the changes I need to make to become a better person.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Day 231 - Making Bacon

A friend of mine sent a text asking me if I was okay today.

I told him that the hardest part about all of this is that my heart is broken and I tear up when NG and I have to be in the same room together, while NG acts as thought nothing is wrong. I finished with "Men are pigs. :-P

My friend said, "Well make some bacon... it works with lemons and lemonaide, so why not?"

So, I'm not sure how... but I'm going to make bacon. (I hope God's not still

I said that I was going to start living with the faith of Joshua. How do I do that? I need to trust God for everything. EVERYTHING. I've done it before... and the stories are amazing... (I will share them at some point) so why did I quit? When did I quit? I don't know... but I know that if I start again, and truly believe in Him for ALL THINGS... even the impossible... God will provide, and provide far past my wildest dreams...

In all things, I have to remember ...

I am a treasure.

I deserve to be treated as such.

Nobody who thinks I'm "not good enough" is good enough for me.

God is good.

Most importantly of all, I have NEVER ONCE been alone...

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Day 230 - Lightbulb Moment

230 days ago I started writing a blog about how I planned to change my life.

I gave myself a year to make a whole bunch of changes and I was going to keep track of them through this blog, right? I wanted to be able to look back and see where I had come from...

Anybody else thing there are a lot of "I"s in those sentences?

This afternoon I was reading "Sun Stand Still"... a book about not just believing God to do big things, but expecting Him to do them in faith... BIG things... like Joshua asking God to still the Sun in the sky.

A thought hit me out of the blue... I KNOW why my life is suddenly a big mess... I was working on MY PLANS for me... instead of HIS PLANS for me.

Today I have been trying to plan out everything... where we will go, what we will do, how we will get there... when I KNOW that if I put it in God's hands, He will blow me away with what He does for us.

If anyone ever checks in here anymore, feel free to come back and see what amazing things He has planned for us in the next few months.

If we are on your prayer list by any chance... keep praying... it's working. :-)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Day 229 - Wow

Well, 365-229 is 136... so now I have 136 days left to get to where I wanted to be last year when I started writing.

Where am I now? About 5lbs heavier and heartbroken.

Yes, we are still in New Guy's house... but yesterday he let me know that he has decided he wants me to move out in June (when the school year ends). He wants me to forget everything he promised me, all the begging he did to get us here, all the dreams I thought we shared, and just "move out amicably" in June.

If you are like me, you are asking yourself what I asked myself... "So did we just break up, or is he telling me he wants us to continue just the way we have been for the last 6 months until I have to leave?"

Apparently I am supposed to keep cooking, cleaning, taking care of all the kids, and not be upset by the fact that the man that I love sleeps a few feet from me, but doesn't want me anymore (or wont want me anymore in a couple of months?). My 14yr old offered to share her bed with me, but I just can't do it... I can't let my 14yr old take on the role of comforter for me...

I have to be a grown up and face the consequences of the decisions I made... the decision that so many people told me was wrong. Heck, I said "no" a hundred times before I said "yes," but he was so convincing. He was my prince... treating me the way I deserved to be treated... like a treasure.

What a fool I was.

I have to go to bed. I can't write any more tonight, but I'm sure I'll be back. I need sleep. I pulled something in my back today and it is killing me.... also, I dont want any tears on my keyboard.

Jimmy Fallon on SNL made me giggle, but it was temporary. Goodnight.