My 365 day journey from single to forever... not a catalog of dates and internet idiots...
looking inside myself to make the changes I need to make to become a better person.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

If you are reading this...

I am so far away from where I thought I would be right now... but still an on an amazing path. I was homeless for 6 months. Started my own business. And am now just working on being the me God intended from the beginning...

If you would like to keep up with me, you can find me at

You can also Google+ me at

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Day 237- God is Good

After my oldest and I went to a Rascal Flatts concert a couple of weeks ago and we had an awesome time, I realized that I needed to make more of an effort to do fun and special things with the kids individually.

I told my son that he and I would go out this weekend, and I told daughter #2 that she and I would do something special. I suggested Disney on Ice, even though I didn't know when it would come to town. She suggested that we go to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D the next day (of course meaning she missed some school... but we had a lot of fun) In fact, she told me I was the best mom ever several times. :-)

Tonight I took my son to a Monster Truck Rally. We had a great time. I was very worried that he wouldn't have fun, or that the event wouldn't be memorable for him. I should have remembered from the beginning that God is SO GOOD!

When my phone started to die and I couldn't get any good pictures because of the lighting, I prayed. I told God that I wanted this to be memorable and to please help my battery hold out until the lights came up again so that I could get a couple of good pictures for my son. In particular, I wanted one of him and I both.

Well, God answered my prayer and then some. The phone held out to get several more good photos, including one of Isaac and I and one of him while his favorite monster truck (Grave Digger) was in the background. Then, just at the event was ending, the Grave Digger driver was given a Tshirt to throw out to the crowd. My son took one step out into the aisle (he was on the edge seat) and the tshirt dropped right into his hands. Now that's pretty memorable, right?

It gets better.

Taped into the package with the Tshirt were two envelopes. One had 4 tickets to the B&B Circus for next October and the other had 4 tickets to Disney on Ice for next December.

Wait, Disney on Ice? Didn't I mention that earlier in this post? I sure did...

God heard and remembered.

This was defintely a wonderful night.

God is listening.

God does not forget.

We are all going to be okay.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Day 231 - Making Bacon

A friend of mine sent a text asking me if I was okay today.

I told him that the hardest part about all of this is that my heart is broken and I tear up when NG and I have to be in the same room together, while NG acts as thought nothing is wrong. I finished with "Men are pigs. :-P

My friend said, "Well make some bacon... it works with lemons and lemonaide, so why not?"

So, I'm not sure how... but I'm going to make bacon. (I hope God's not still

I said that I was going to start living with the faith of Joshua. How do I do that? I need to trust God for everything. EVERYTHING. I've done it before... and the stories are amazing... (I will share them at some point) so why did I quit? When did I quit? I don't know... but I know that if I start again, and truly believe in Him for ALL THINGS... even the impossible... God will provide, and provide far past my wildest dreams...

In all things, I have to remember ...

I am a treasure.

I deserve to be treated as such.

Nobody who thinks I'm "not good enough" is good enough for me.

God is good.

Most importantly of all, I have NEVER ONCE been alone...

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Day 230 - Lightbulb Moment

230 days ago I started writing a blog about how I planned to change my life.

I gave myself a year to make a whole bunch of changes and I was going to keep track of them through this blog, right? I wanted to be able to look back and see where I had come from...

Anybody else thing there are a lot of "I"s in those sentences?

This afternoon I was reading "Sun Stand Still"... a book about not just believing God to do big things, but expecting Him to do them in faith... BIG things... like Joshua asking God to still the Sun in the sky.

A thought hit me out of the blue... I KNOW why my life is suddenly a big mess... I was working on MY PLANS for me... instead of HIS PLANS for me.

Today I have been trying to plan out everything... where we will go, what we will do, how we will get there... when I KNOW that if I put it in God's hands, He will blow me away with what He does for us.

If anyone ever checks in here anymore, feel free to come back and see what amazing things He has planned for us in the next few months.

If we are on your prayer list by any chance... keep praying... it's working. :-)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Day 229 - Wow

Well, 365-229 is 136... so now I have 136 days left to get to where I wanted to be last year when I started writing.

Where am I now? About 5lbs heavier and heartbroken.

Yes, we are still in New Guy's house... but yesterday he let me know that he has decided he wants me to move out in June (when the school year ends). He wants me to forget everything he promised me, all the begging he did to get us here, all the dreams I thought we shared, and just "move out amicably" in June.

If you are like me, you are asking yourself what I asked myself... "So did we just break up, or is he telling me he wants us to continue just the way we have been for the last 6 months until I have to leave?"

Apparently I am supposed to keep cooking, cleaning, taking care of all the kids, and not be upset by the fact that the man that I love sleeps a few feet from me, but doesn't want me anymore (or wont want me anymore in a couple of months?). My 14yr old offered to share her bed with me, but I just can't do it... I can't let my 14yr old take on the role of comforter for me...

I have to be a grown up and face the consequences of the decisions I made... the decision that so many people told me was wrong. Heck, I said "no" a hundred times before I said "yes," but he was so convincing. He was my prince... treating me the way I deserved to be treated... like a treasure.

What a fool I was.

I have to go to bed. I can't write any more tonight, but I'm sure I'll be back. I need sleep. I pulled something in my back today and it is killing me.... also, I dont want any tears on my keyboard.

Jimmy Fallon on SNL made me giggle, but it was temporary. Goodnight.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Day 122 - The Root of All Evil

So, if you know me IRL, your first thought when you saw that title was "She's writing about BD?" Nope, I'm talking about money.

(And for those of you who aren't sure BD=baby-daddy. It is the nicest thing I can think to call him.) He does keep harassing me and threatening me with DCFS, but none of it is new to me when it comes to him... so I'll just keep going and shrug it off.

Anyway, on to money...

NG and I are are both a little in debt. Not so much that it is a catastrophe, and not so much that we are unable to ever get out of it, but enough that our current income has to be carefully monitored to make sure things don't get turned off on a regular basis.

Every month that I have been here so far I have set up a budget. The hard part about having a budget is letting the person who doesn't know what the budget says have a debit card. I have, very nicely said several times that I need him to get cash and only use the cash that is in his pocket unless it is an specific expense. But he brings in half of the household income... so I can't very well put my foot down and tell him to stop spending money without my permission, right?

This is especially true because I know that there are times where I go out and spend $20 without blinking. And, while one part of me says that I am getting upset at him for doing the same thing I am doing, the other part reminds me that before I spend a penny I have a plan of how the other bills will get paid and how much I can spend and how much the thing(s) I'm buying are really needed. (And when they are things that are not really needed, yes I do feel guilty.)

I get upset when he buys stuff, not because he is buying without my permission, but because he is used to buying whatever he wants whenever he wants and doesn't seem to see the importance of saving even a few dollars here or there. I've asked him to do several things that should help our situation, but they don't get done. So do I just keep bugging him even though I know he is very busy right now or do I just not say anything and pay the extra hundreds of dollars it is costing us...?

Am I being real here? Or am I setting a double standard or just being plain unreasonable? I don't know.

Here is the other problem. I love this guy. I don't want to make him angry or upset. I don't want to guilt him into eating PB&J every day for lunch. He goes out of his way to take care of me... and I want to do the same for him. Right now though, I am trying hard to keep our heads above water and I don't know how to communicate that lovingly.

I will just keep praying and paying tithes. It makes a difference. It will help. We will get through this. I do not plan to have issues stemming from fighting over money.

Anyone else have some input?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Day 121 - Fall

Ok, so I didn't get off to a good start with the blogging and the writing. I could make excuses. I could tell you how I had no internet for 24 hours that basically encompassed my writing time on two different days. I could tell you about mountains of laundry and hungry children and an absent-mindedness that has followed me since childhood. I won't. No point, right? I just need to get to work!

First today I'm writing to you, then in my book, and lastly for my editor who is probably a little upset that he hasn't had any new articles from me recently. If I have time, I have some writing jobs to apply for as well... before making homemade rolls for the church potluck tonight and getting the flowers planted outside.

Fall has always been my favorite season. The temperatures are close to perfect. There is less rain than in the spring. In the evenings I can wrap up in a blanket or put on a sweatshirt. My new home has given me yet another reason to love fall; the scenery.

Now, to be honest, I have always loved the scenery of fall. However, something about having it in right here in my own back yard makes it much more exciting this year. Here are a few pictures of the scenery on the drive up the hill to the area of town where my house is...

That water is the Illinois River.

Beautiful trees.

While there is much to do outside in our backyard, I am already enjoying the view out my office window and look forward to seeing deer and other animals walk through in the winter months and landscaping and flowers coming together in the spring to inspire me to write more.

Where do you write? Is it somewhere inspiring or is it
somewhere quiet and simple with no distraction?

Thought for the day...

"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader—not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon."
E.L. Doctorow