My 365 day journey from single to forever... not a catalog of dates and internet idiots...
looking inside myself to make the changes I need to make to become a better person.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Day 17- To Dream a Dream

When I have a dream at night that sticks with me during the day, I often look up the possible interpretations of the dream and its elements. I wonder if 'dream dictionaries' are like newspaper horoscopes. I apologize to those of you who believe in them, but dream dictionaries and horoscopes both seem to be written in such a broad manner that they can cover anything.

Last night I dreamed about having a new baby. It was a little girl and she was in so many places in different dreams. The dream dictionaries I have read say that dreaming about babies can represent new beginnings... and that could totally be true. Right?

What is cool about that idea is how it applies to the rest of the dreams...

I felt a little bit overwhelmed by the new baby.
I was trying hard to provide for the new baby, but had trouble finding the money.
Some people stepped forward to help when I needed them.

But there were two things about the new baby that strike me now...

First, I tried to share the baby with HIM... and he wasn't interested.
Secondly, I was proud of the new baby... I showed her off a lot.

So, was my mind really telling me about the new beginnings that are coming... that I might need help, and I need to be careful with my money, and I might feel overwhelmed? That it is okay that HE doesn't want to be a part of it and that I will be proud of myself in the end?

Who knows really... but I do love this quote...

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I can't wait to see that come true yet again... Well, I'm off to bed...

Sweet dreams...

Day 17- I found a house

Don't get too excited yet... :-)

While looking through house listings today, I found a house that would be perfect for the kids and I for so many reasons. I really like the photos. It is in the school district that I wanted. It is five blocks from where my ex-husband lives. (He may move soon, since he is renting, but the location is great nonetheless.) There is a Walgreens, a video store, an ice cream shop, a grocery store and a doctor's office all within walking distance. The back yard is beautiful.

There is a good chance this house will sit on the market for months. I am willing to pray and be patient and see what happens. If it is gone before I am ready to buy, then it wasn't meant to be ours. Still, I know God has a plan and I'm going to leave it up to Him.

Right now the price is too high... but if it is supposed to be ours, then God will no doubt amaze us all with the way He works it all out.

“Our prayers should be for blessings in general,
for God knows best what is good for us.” - Socrates

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day 16- Oops

I wrote this last night, but didn't hit post...
(but on a second look I noticed it still posted yesterday's date.. so nevermind. lol)

It hit me today that not only have I gone over 72 hours without bothering about HIM, I have even gone that long without really wanting to talk to him.

I realized today that I need to work harder at some of my goals. I like the diet, but the working out hasn't been top of my list.

Just buying pizza "this one more time" instead of going to the store isn't good enough. Just taking a nap when I know I need to go for a bike ride or do a work out game on the kinect is not going to cut it.

I want to say this too... I have complete faith that God is the reason I will be able to make these changes and make this move and do the things that I need to do over the next year. However, there are two parts of that statement that don't quite go far enough. First, I will be making the changes with His help... but it will still take effort and energy on my part. Secondly, I am relying on prayer... it is an important part of what is happening here.

I fully believe that giving credit to God is an important part of being successful.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day 15- Tattle-tale Tuesday

So, here is my weekly update. You want to know how I'm doing on all of my goals, right?
My weight is basically the same. I know why that is, but it is still frustrating. I have not been doing my 30 minutes of exercise a day. I have tried several times, but was shut down one way or another. Okay, that isn't completely true. All of those times it was the person I was supposed to go with who canceled on me... I could have gone on my own... but I didn't.

I was lax in finding myself some new recipes... but I have had a lot of banana smoothies and apple oatmeal cereal.

I am not in less debt today than I was last week. I am probably in more. Barely, but more none the less.

Talking to HIM. I don't know why it is that on the days that I am dealing with something big in my life, he is the one I want to turn to. So, I emailed him a few times. The last time was an apology for the few times before. I haven't contacted him about 'us' in almost 48 hours.

So, once again, the goal is no talking to him this week. 7 days. I can do that.

Once again I have stood my ground against men who wanted to get together.

No money has come in the last week, but tomorrow I will pay my tithes.

Today I have:
Turned down two guys who think "hey sexy" is an appropriate, respectful way to say hello to a stranger.
worked on some cleaning
worked on some writing
written this blog!
made a plan to look at some houses in the new town.
called storage places

Today I will:
Get my 30 minutes of movement in.
Spend 30 minutes cleaning the garage.
Make a healthy dinner
Fold laundry

I love this comic:

Change the fabric of your own soul and your own visions, and you change all.
~Vachel Lindsay~

Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 14- My House

When I moved to the house I am in now, I was in a tight spot. I had to get out of the house I had been in. The first time I saw this house I loved it. I just knew that it was the house that God had planned for us.

Everyday I would drive to this house and pull in the driveway and pray for this house. I told God that I didn't know how he was going to do it, but I knew that this was our house and I was so excited to see what he was going to do for us.

One day, after some vandalism to the driveway of the house, the owner dropped the price by another $5,000. I knew it was time. I made the best offer I could, knowing that is was absolutely ridiculous. $500 down and $300 per month until I could get a real loan from a bank. I had no idea if the owner would sell it on contract or not. Praise the Lord, she did.

Now, here I am, almost five years later and I am getting ready to put my faith in God the same way again. We are moving.

I have such a peace about the move... even though I threw a fit for about the first 6 hours even when I knew it was what we were supposed to do. I even blamed a lot of people for making me uproot my life and move all of us an hour away. But by later that night and through church the next morning I just felt the peace that I needed about the move.

So, besides all of the other goals I have listed for the year (that I will update you on tomorrow) my life is about to be turned upside down by trying to find a new house, in a good neighborhood, with good schools.

Once again, I CAN'T WAIT to see what God is going to do for us now!


On the upside, when it comes time to start dating again... there will be a whole new pool of men to choose from.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Day 12- Hit on by an old guy and being a good mom

Today I was selling produce with my mom when an old man came by, leaned way over to whisper in my ear and said "You have the kind of equipment that a man wants to come home to every night." Then he cast a glance down my shirt and moved on. There is nothing like getting hit on by a guy more than twice your age...

On top of everything else I have been dealing with lately, another wrench has been thrown into my plans for our life. I am praying for some good answers, some solid answers... but I don't yet know what I am going to do.

If my oldest, who is brilliant and is being ignored by her school district, has the chance to get a very good education for high school, it would be wrong of me to deny her that, right? So, in order to get her to the city where the better school is, I have two choices. First, I could let her leave my house, give up full custody, and let her live with her father... apart from her siblings. OR I can give up my ideas and dreams for this house that I just bought a few months ago, and the ideas I had about raising the children... and start packing... and find a new house an hour away so that we can all stay together.

Why would I ever choose the former over the latter? I wouldn't.

Which means over the next 353 days I may not only be preparing myself for a new me, a new husband, and a better life... but possibly even a new house and new city and new friends and a new church.

I've always said I would do anything for my kids when it really counted... this would be one of those times when I may have to put a plan into action.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Day 11ish- What a day

There is so much I want to write about, but I have to give up on that tonight and just recap the busy day.

So I did stuff with the kids this morning, wrote all afternoon, baked and watched movies with a girlfriend this evening until late, I forgot to blog and didn't think about HIM once all day either. Just one of those things was a lie... and since I don't lie anymore I figured I had better call myself on it. I did think about him.

I was relieved this afternoon to realize he had made it to work and I hadn't tried to contact him all day. I was proud of myself for not driving past his house more than necessary today.

But on the way home tonight I started worrying that he would have driven by my house on his way home from work and not seen me there and assumed I went out on a date or something. But then I drove by his house on the way home and his car wasn't there. He went out.

Yesterday I wrote him a goodbye email. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure he was thinking the same thing, "Yeah right." But I really meant it. Until he kicks the depression he is in, his life will never get better... and unless his life is better I can't let him be a part of ours. Actually, he doesn't want to be a part of ours anyway... but I know he would if he could pull himself from this pit of depression.

I did a lot of stuff today, but not 30 minutes of movement... fail. :-(

I'll try again tomorrow (aka later today). I'm due to be at the farmer's market selling stuff in just 6 hours.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Day 10- The Next Big Change

Okay, so we have covered not dating. We have covered getting out of debt. We have covered eating better. Next: Exercise.

Goal: 30 Minutes a day of ACTIVITY of some sort.
(So if I take the stairs instead of the elevator, that counts as a minute.)

I think I can do it. Do you? Leave me some encouragement if you actually read this.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. ~Joey Adams

Day 10- Blogging in my Underwear

Maybe that was TMI. That's what happens when I have a few hours with no kids... I take a shower and don't hurry to get dressed. I don't hurry to go eat. I don't hurry to do anything.

Now the kids are gone for the next several hours and I'm wondering what to do. I have a deadline tomorrow for one company. My house is still a wreck. I really would like a nap... but I don't need one. Days of Our Lives starts in 30 minutes anyway, and I don't want to miss it.

Oh! As a side note, October 3rd (Day 112 if i have done my math right) is the season premier of House. I LOVE that show!

no folding laundry for me today
skipping my workout too
unless you count the walk to the van
to drive myself to DQ

i'll cuddle with my puppy
and not pick up a thing
except to silence the cell
should it happen to ring

i'm blogging in my underwear
giggling with each rhyme
even if it is silly
i'm glad i took the time

i'll wonder where the day went
when the kids come back tonight
but right now i'm enjoying 'me' time
and everything else is alright

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Day 9- Banana Smoothie and a Tornado

Carb-Lover's Breakfast - Banana Smoothie

1 banana worth of frozen banana slices
(green frozen bananas have the most benefit)
6oz of 1% milk.

Put them in a blender and blend until smooth.

As someone who is not a great cook and likes to stick to the basic things I have in my cupboards, I think there is a lack of Carb-Lover recipes that don't require me to run out and buy a bunch of stuff I I've never bought before. Seriously, I bought actual sweet potatoes for the first time this week. Now I'm going to have to figure out how to trick my kids into eating them.

As I find more simple yummy stuff... I will share on the blog.

As for the tornado... that is metaphorical. The aftermath of the tornado being my house today. Was it clean yesterday? No. But did it look like this? No. It was caused by the children in my house today. One of them not mine, two of them boys, things flying across rooms, trash being left everywhere, some occasional yelling on my part...

The children all go away this weekend and I am so looking forward to being able to clean without them underfoot. I know of course that I won't get through half of what I want to get through, but I will take some time for myself and ultimately be pleased with my weekend when it is over.

If I haven't mentioned it before, I am a freelance writer. I noticed not too long ago that I have been so involved in raising children and writing for other people, that I have not written for myself for a long time.

I'm sure this first few weeks will probably be a bit boring until I hit a stride and find my own voice again. You would be shocked to know (as if anyone is reading) that on a regular basis, people tell me I am hilarious.

P.S. I just had another banana smoothie as a late night snack. Awesome. :-)

In looking for a quote to end this post with I found the next one. I love my family dearly, but I am betting that Nancie J. Carmody had a husband, 2.3 children, and a cute little house on the good end of town...


I am thankful for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.... I am thankful for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby. ~Nancie J. Carmody

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 8- Carb-Lover's Lunch

My kids had hot dogs for lunch.

However, I changed it up a little.

Apple Almond Cereal
  • 1 cup 1% milk
  • 1 cup old fashioned oats
  • 1 Tbs sliced almonds
  • 1 Tbs of brown sugar
  • 1 medium red apple
I mixed all of the above items together and let them sit, in the fridge, for 5 minutes.

It was delicious. And I felt stuffed for most of the rest of the afternoon.

I also tried a polenta pudding that nobody liked. So I am trying to bake it into a cake. I'll let you know how that goes... I can't make it any worse!

Tomorrow morning I plan on trying a banana smoothie. I'll let you know how it goes!

Day 8- On my way

So, here is my update. While I am really disappointed in some things about this week, I have to make a note that the things I am disappointed about, I didn't work on whole-heartedly.

Let's start with the bad. My weight the same. I followed maybe 2 of the rules that go along with the Carb-Lover's Diet. I am pretty sure that eating at a Chinese buffet is not one of those rules.

This week I intend to write out a shopping list and find appropriate recipes so that I can test the diet out the way it was meant to be done.

I am in slightly less debt today than I was last week. That is not on purpose though. I forgot about a payday loan from my bank that they took back when I received my child support check this week.

The good news is that I am living with what I have left, and refusing to borrow from the bank again.

Talking to HIM. Well, that obviously went very badly. Once I was finally able to get him to talk to me about anything person he became mean and angry. I sent him a few 'final' emails. I asked him a few questions that he is refusing to answer about our break-up. They are things that I know will help me move on, but he doesn't want to tell me. Unless I hear different I might just decide to believe he is gay.

So, no talking to him this week. 7 days. I can do that.

I had a few opportunities to spend time with men who are interested in me this week. I could have done it easily just for the companionship. One kept talking about snuggling and watching a movie, which sounds awesome... but I know I'm not ready. So I turned down every date offer this week. I know that sounds terrible, like I get a lot of offers or something... but honestly, I just know that I am too 'damaged' right now to be dating material... and a lot of it was multiple offers from the same people.

I paid my tithes this week. I know it is the right thing to do and that I will be blessed for it. Do you know how I know? A few hours later I got an order for some writing that will bring in about $500.

Now I just have to get over this writer's block when it comes to this company.

Okay, off to write some more.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Day 7- Following and Being Followed

So yesterday's post was probably a bit of a shock for the few people who know me in real life. I'm fine. I'm over it for the most part. I didn't tell people for a lot of reasons. I've learned my lesson about trusting people who others tell me are not trustworthy.

As for the reaction I got when I told HIM, I don't know what to think. It is so unlike him that I can't help but think he is either a)trying to push me away and is being mean to do that, b)really hates me enough to think that. Either way, trying to work things out with him is out of the question. I have to stop clinging to the memories of the good days... and let him go.

Tomorrow I get to update the blog on how the things I want to change in my life have gone over the last week as a whole... I have a feeling it is going to be a little disappointing.

At some point I hope a few followers that don't know me in real life will be a boost to help me stick to what I need to do and encourage me to keep going. I'd be glad to follow your blog too if you are reading this. Just leave a comment and I'll check you out.

In other words... if you want to see how this all turns out...

But don't follow too closely... sometimes I run into walls.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Day 6- What I deserve

I don't want to share details of the incident itself. It is his reaction to the incident that I'm writing about here.

So, in a weak moment yesterday while talking to HIM, I shared a somewhat recent event that I haven't mentioned to anyone else. It was a share that I am both regretting and thankful for.

When we were together and he would be mad or jealous of someone, he always took it out on me. Just once I wanted him to tell the person off or throw one punch to defend my honor. He never did.

Maybe I thought this was a chance for him to redeem himself... If it was he failed miserably. How does anyone tell a woman that a sexual assault was "what she deserved?"

I wish I hadn't told him... but at the same time now I know how he really feels... right? Who wants a man who could treat a woman like this?

I almost feel more violated now than I felt by the actual incident.

Maybe this is the wake-up call I needed to see that he really wasn't any better than anyone else I ever dated. He wasn't a knight in shining armor after all. Just a control freak with a 'nice-guy' demeanor.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Day 5- How I like my eggs...

If you have seen the movie "The Runaway Bride" you know that Richard Gere's character discovered that Julia's character never lived her own life. She always absorbed the traits of the man she dated. Her favorite eggs were whatever he liked. Near the end of the movie she has an epiphany and tries every single type of eggs that she can think of to decide which ones are her favorite.

I am not her. I don't conform to the man I am dating in every sense of the word. However, there are ways that I have done this in the past.

When I married my ex-husband, he loved baseball. I was immediately a baseball fan. We traveled to games a couple of times a season when we could. I even bought him playoff tickets for his birthday. I was a baseball fan. I watched baseball movies. I brushed up on my baseball stats. Today, I rarely know who's on top of the baseball standings.

I had another ex who was a NASCAR fan. Our dating was short-lived but I discovered a favorite driver and followed the sport from afar. I made a Jeff Gordon baby blanket for that ex so that he could wrap our baby in it when she was born.

Then there is HIM. You know who he is. He loved NASCAR and baseball and football. Since I already knew about NASCAR, I threw myself into it as a common interest between the two of us. I even brushed up on NASCAR trivia and lingo. I'd cheer when his favorite baseball team was on top and laugh with him about how bad his favorite football team was.

The last year that we were together I decided that I would throw myself into football as well. The sport obviously made him happy, so I wanted to be a part of that. I bought him tickets to a football game for Christmas. The game was awesome, but the weekend was off. He complained a lot and it really hurt my feelings. I still wish I could understand what was going on with him.

Anyway, my point is that I had a great time at the game itself. I also realized that I have had a great time at every game I've ever been too live. So, egg lesson #1 for me was "I like my sports live."

A few weeks ago a friend and I went to a NASCAR race. It was amazing. When the green flag dropped for the first time, I teared up. I didn't sit for the first 25 laps. It was amazing. Oops, I think I already said that. I had the best time ever while I was there. We almost got heat stroke, we had to beat a storm to get under the stands, I got flooded with water, I sat in and around my van for over an hour during the delay. I got to see the track dryers... who would have thought I would be excited to see track dryers!?! lol It was an awesome day.

Egg lesson #2: I really do love NASCAR.
(As I was typing that Carl Edwards regained the lead and won the race today!)

So it turns out I like my eggs fast, turning left, and oval... and even if my eggs aren't like that exactly, I will enjoy any kind of eggs as long as I'm surrounded with thousands of screaming fans.

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is
perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." -- Bertrand Russell

Day 5- I'm a liar. Do you believe me?

I am a liar. Do you believe me?

I'd like to blame my parents. When I was growing up, both of my parents lied constantly. They wouldn't call it telling a lie. They would call it not hurting someone's feelings, staying out of trouble, or 'it's the truth'... with some added details for dramatic effect... The problem with this is that children learn and don't even realize they are learning something wrong.

I'd like to blame my ex-husband. He lied just for the sake of lying. He would lie about what he had for breakfast just for the thrill of getting away with it. He lied about a checkbook that was 'stolen' and purchases he couldn't have made with it... only for me to find the receipts stashed somewhere months later. Knowing he lied to me, made it easier to lie to him. It was a passive aggressive way of dealing with him.

But really, I'm an adult now. I know the difference between right and wrong. So telling the truth should be easy, right? Sometimes.

If I am scared of someone for any reason, I have been known to tell them what they want to hear to escape their anger. The more stressful a situation, the more likely an unintentional lie would slip out. It took a long time for me to see that as a lie... and even longer to try to change it.

I have been very careful in stressful situations lately to pay close attention to what I am saying and writing.

So yesterday, via email, I caught myself starting to tell HIM a lie. It was something that didn't matter in the big picture and something he never would have found out about. But I stopped myself. Still, I didn't feel right. So I sent him a second email telling him what happened and taking responsibility for it.

He didn't respond, but I didn't expect him to. He will talk to me about one subject and one subject only right now... anything personal is out.

But this isn't about him anyway. This is about me, making myself a better person, whether he cares about the changes I am making in my life or not...

I really hope that is the truth.

"Honesty does not always bring a response of love,
but it is absolutely essential to it."

Friday, June 17, 2011

Day 4- Resistant Starches & the Carb Lover's Diet

I recently heard about a book called the Carb-Lover's Diet. Because of my money issues right now, I am trying very hard not to buy any new books or gadgets.

I have decided that I can probably find enough information about this lifestyle change (because it is a lifestyle change, not just a diet) online to keep me from having to buy anything. The point is that adding resistant starches to your meal, lowers the amount of calories you intake overall, among other things.

Things I ate today being conscious of my resistant starches:
  • a greenish banana
  • a piece of rye bread
  • garlic hummus

I also bought 18 ears of corn to cut, blanch, and freeze as well as some maize flour and some polenta. I can't wait to update you with my weight loss totals.

Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.
Arnold H. Glasgow

Day 4- Harder than I thought

Yesterday I sent HIM a message to have a good day at work right before I knew he would leave. Why? I don't know.

Yesterday my new pots and pans finally came via UPS. I got a great deal on the set ($150) but I felt too guilty to even take them out of the box yet. I will later.
What else did I do? Well, after blogging about my spending habits and my debts, I went out and got a pedicure a bought some stuff at Goodwill (A brand new $170 juicer for $20).

Also, after blogging about needing to lose weight I sat down to eat tortilla chips... too many of them.

Lastly, after saying that I think I need to spend some time being single a guy that has been texting me wants me to meet him and go out on a date. Do I think he is 'the one'? Nope. But do I give him the benefit of the doubt, or am I just setting myself back a few months in the case that it takes that long for us to decide we won't work out?

Do I compromise because he might keep me from being lonely for awhile? I can't.
I think it is a bad idea... and really unfair to him.

A good friend of mine commented today that I am clearly not over the breakup from February yet. I am still in love with HIM. I thought he was the one. But I have to accept the facts, right? Even as I type this I have a hope in the back of mind and the bottom of my heart, that he will come back to me in some form. As a friend, a lover, a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband... in some form? Hell, I want all of him back... but I have to let go... right?

I don't want to cling to a hope if God has a different plan for my life. I would hate to spend so much time staring wistfully at HIM and hoping he is 'the one' that I miss the REAL 'the one'... if 'the one' exists at all.

"The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence;

it is to act with yesterday’s logic."

— Peter Drucker

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Day 3 - Being Financially Ready

As a single mom and a freelance writer, you can imagine that money is sometimes tight. However, I had been doing a pretty good job of keeping everything under control. I even built my credit score back up to near 700.

Then came the break-up. Have you ever heard people say that shopping is cheaper than a therapist? It isn't.

I have some new clothes, a new bed, a new mattress, new kitchen cabinets and walls, new pots and pans, 30 extra pounds, and a few other things... oh yeah and a new credit score of 630.

In order to stop the cycle of borrowing, repaying, being overdrawn, paying fees, and having to borrow again, I decided to borrow all of it at once (at a sickeningly high interest rate) and dig myself out. Now, I have to focus on paying back this loan as quickly as possible.

I know that if I want a man who is going to be financially responsible, that I need to be as well. Hopefully careful planning will get me there.

I take that back in part. I strongly believe in tithing and I have to admit that I stopped tithing when I started over-spending and over-charging. It is not just planning that will get me where I need to be.
~~~ <3 <3 <3 ~~~

Note to my future husband: Wherever you are right now and whatever you are doing, know that I am doing this for me, but I am doing this for you as well. You deserve the me that is the most awesome me I can be. I know it sounds cheesy with that rhyming alliteration in there... I hope it made you smile. I love silly-cheesiness and making people laugh.

Wouldst thou shut up the avenues of ill,
Pay every debt as if God wrote the bill.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Day 2 - I am not a stalker

So in the wee early morning hours I decided that it was a good idea to "give him up." I decided to quit trying to talk to him, email, text , or call. Now, I am really proud of that decision and I really want to email and tell him! (Instead I am posting for the second time today.)

His house is on a busy street that is the shortest route to my house from most places in town. I drive by without thinking about it or even looking at his house several times a day, except today.

Today I drove by three times. On purpose.

His house looks so sad and quiet and lonely. I planted the flowers that are growing in front. They don't look as beautiful driving past as they would if i was sitting on the porch with him, enjoying them.

Repeat after me, "I am not a stalker. I am not a stalker."

"Ive learned that you cant make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them
and hope they panic and give in..." -Unknown

Day 2 - He really doesn't love me

I have always believed that love is a choice. So why does it shock me and break my heart to know that the man I have loved for several years wants nothing to do with me? He didn't even tell the children goodbye. He just came over one day, presented me with "evidence" that I was a bad girlfriend, and he left. Game Over.

The break-up was bogus. I texted an ex who had been a friend several times (4 months before the day of the break-up and not again since) after being forbidden to do so by the then-current bf. Yes, forbidden. There are so many things I could say here... but to go through it all makes no sense. We disagreed on where the line should be with this ex... and in the end it was cited as the reason I was "let go." We won't even get into the part where he got into my online phone records to check that information...

To be honest, I was not happy. I felt like something was wrong. The things that he used to love about me had become things he would complain to me about. Quick, witty jokes, and sometimes even 12-yr-old-boy-ish humor... "Hehe, that guy on TV just asked that girl to hold his balls." (Some sort of sports ball I'm sure... but it made me laugh!) He used to love my cuddling. He used to love my writing. Things were going south and I had no idea how to stop it from happening.

Things I expected him to do as a boyfriend, he never did. He worked second shift, which is very hard for a family to deal with... and he said he would probably never change it for us. He hated helping me with projects at my house. A badly-wired light switch sat for four years and he never fixed it... he was an electrician.

I did love him. He was smart and funny. He had so many of the qualities I wanted in a husband. He was tall and handsome. He was a good singer, and I didn't even care that he was a bad cook. Everything that I wanted to love about him, I did. Everything I wanted to forget, I did. I was under the impression that he would be proposing soon... and looking back now I think I would have done anything for that ring..... but he kept pushing me farther and farther away and only became annoyed if I asked questions. Still, I love him.

In the four months since we have been broken up, the longest I have gone without calling, texting, or emailing him is 15 days. If I find a reason to talk to him, I instantly think of 15 more things I need to tell him.

He refuses to see me or the children. My kids are all missing him too. The teen is angry about the way he left... especially because just days before he had talked to her about us living in his house someday. My son cried for 2 minutes and wouldn't let me hug him when it happened... now he won't say the bf's name. The younger ones miss him a lot. They ask if they can go visit, and I have to tell them no.

If love is a choice, a verb, an action word, then why would I love someone who chooses not to love us anymore?

So, here we go. Day 2... I'm going to quit bothering him for good. I deserve to be treated better than this, right? Say some prayers. It won't be easy.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better
to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 1 - What am I doing here?

I have always believed that everyone who is single "again" for any reason stays so because there is something "wrong" with them. The trick, when finding the person who is right for us, is to try to find the person whose "wrongness" we can live with and one who will do the same for us. I even thought that true love meant some of our wrongs would balance each other's out.

In a twisted way, I could even see the thought at a romantic one:

"I hate the way she bites her nails, but everything else that is great about her outweighs that!"

I mean, I want a man who overlooks my faults, right? And I'll overlook his?

"I hate the way he leaves the television on 24/7, but everything else awesome about him makes that inconsequential!"

But where does that kind of thinking end? Is it really a romantic notion to, before I have even met a man, decide that there are some faults that I can live with? It can be a slippery slope, can't it? Which of these should I have drawn the line at in the past?

"I'm pretty sure he is a pathological liar, but either he is so good at it that I can't find proof or I am wrong. Well, I'm not perfect either and I did say 'until death do us part'."

"He drinks A LOT. Every day. But he is generally a happy person who is helpful and fun to be around. There are so many things that I love about him... I'm sure I could handle the drinking knowing that I have such a great guy around all the time."

"He is so unforgiving of everyone around him and blind to his own faults. He is a good, stable provider though, and I do love him a lot. Besides, I'm sure I'll never do anything so terrible as to be on the other end of his unforgiveness."

"He scares me when he is angry, but I'm sure he wouldn't try to get
rough like that again. I shouldn't have pushed his buttons. He really does love
me and I'm sure that he just wants what is best for our family."

"Yeah, he has cheated on every woman he has ever been married to. No he never calls me. No, he's never there. Yes, this is his fourth marriage, but I'm sure this one will work out. At least he found one older than me this time... besides, he's my dad. As long as he loves me he can probably get away with anything and I'll still claim him."

Yeah, those were all real situations. Each one was a different man. It took me a long journey of messed-up relationships to get where I am today. If I want to make sure that my girls do not have a bad example to live by as they grow up, then I need to start the journey back to being the person I was meant to be.

I hope you feel like coming along for the ride. It is bound to be interesting.

"You may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince...
but there is no need to kiss any pigs, dogs or jackasses!"