Day 18- Yeah, I am kinda awesome... some days

So a reader told me I seem pretty awesome and asked why I am trying to make all of these changes... here is my answer...

Honestly, the problem is that while I am pretty sure I KNOW I have the propensity for greatness, I often settle for what I feel is 'just good enough'.

When my ex and I broke up after 4 years, I crashed from 'just good enough' to way below how I deserve to be treating myself. I have come close to ruining my credit via 'retail therapy', gained 40lbs, sending HIM long "I need/want to fix this" emails even though I KNOW that it probably can't be fixed and I deserve better. I have gone out on several dates just to not feel alone and ended up feeling even worse about myself because, well, let's just say I knew I deserved better than the guys I went out with.

Also, If you have read through all of the posts (it is okay if you haven't) there is an incident that I allude to on "Day 6"... and while I know that it wasn't necessarily my fault... I have to make sure that I am in a place within myself where nobody thinks that using me in any way is 1.) okay and 2.) something I will not fight.

So, my current varying level of self-esteem is what happens when a young women spends years of her life dealing with jerks on whom she has hung her entire self-worth.

I've decided it is time to prove to myself what a great person I really am... I need to love myself based on myself... and nothing else.

Now I feel like I am talking in circles, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I know what I am capable of, and these goals I have set for myself will get me where I want to be...

I think this comic expresses it perfectly...

I am just blogging out the "Then A Miracle Occurs" part. :-)

Day 17- To Dream a Dream

When I have a dream at night that sticks with me during the day, I often look up the possible interpretations of the dream and its elements. I wonder if 'dream dictionaries' are like newspaper horoscopes. I apologize to those of you who believe in them, but dream dictionaries and horoscopes both seem to be written in such a broad manner that they can cover anything.

Last night I dreamed about having a new baby. It was a little girl and she was in so many places in different dreams. The dream dictionaries I have read say that dreaming about babies can represent new beginnings... and that could totally be true. Right?

What is cool about that idea is how it applies to the rest of the dreams...

I felt a little bit overwhelmed by the new baby.

I was trying hard to provide for the new baby, but had trouble finding the money.

Some people stepped forward to help when I needed them.

But there were two things about the new baby that strike me now...

First, I tried to share the baby with HIM... and he wasn't interested.

Secondly, I was proud of the new baby... I showed her off a lot.

So, was my mind really telling me about the new beginnings that are coming... that I might need help, and I need to be careful with my money, and I might feel overwhelmed? That it is okay that HE doesn't want to be a part of it and that I will be proud of myself in the end?

Who knows really... but I do love this quote...

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I can't wait to see that come true yet again... Well, I'm off to bed...

Sweet dreams...

Day 14- My House

When I moved to the house I am in now, I was in a tight spot. I had to get out of the house I had been in. The first time I saw this house I loved it. I just knew that it was the house that God had planned for us.

Everyday I would drive to this house and pull in the driveway and pray for this house. I told God that I didn't know how he was going to do it, but I knew that this was our house and I was so excited to see what he was going to do for us.

One day, after some vandalism to the driveway of the house, the owner dropped the price by another $5,000. I knew it was time. I made the best offer I could, knowing that is was absolutely ridiculous. $500 down and $300 per month until I could get a real loan from a bank. I had no idea if the owner would sell it on contract or not. Praise the Lord, she did.

Now, here I am, almost five years later and I am getting ready to put my faith in God the same way again. We are moving.

I have such a peace about the move... even though I threw a fit for about the first 6 hours even when I knew it was what we were supposed to do. I even blamed a lot of people for making me uproot my life and move all of us an hour away. But by later that night and through church the next morning I just felt the peace that I needed about the move.

So, besides all of the other goals I have listed for the year (that I will update you on tomorrow) my life is about to be turned upside down by trying to find a new house, in a good neighborhood, with good schools.

Once again, I CAN'T WAIT to see what God is going to do for us now!

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On the upside, when it comes time to start dating again... there will be a whole new pool of men to choose from.