Day 19- Innocent

A friend of mine who is interested in me was in town today and had some time and asked me to meet him for a Coke. I did. I know... I broke my own rule right?

Anyway... one of the things he has said to me before and again today is that I am "so innocent" and how he doesn't know what to think of that. When I protest, he tells me that there is nothing wrong with being innocent... but I tried to tell him I'm not anyway.

He laughed that I protested so hard and I guess I should just give up.

My ex (HIM) thought that I was an innocent too... and when I would say something or do something he would say that he loved that I was always doing stuff that was shocking. I was always surprising him. But I wonder when it happened that I wasn't surprising him anymore. Is that when he lost interest? I guess it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I broke my rule about hanging out with men and remembered why I created that rule... because now I'm sitting here thinking about HIM. And it is stupid. I know... because he is likely at his house taking a nice swim around the pool without a care in the world... and definitely none about me.

Anyway, here is a thought for the day...

Day 18- Yeah, I am kinda awesome... some days

So a reader told me I seem pretty awesome and asked why I am trying to make all of these changes... here is my answer...

Honestly, the problem is that while I am pretty sure I KNOW I have the propensity for greatness, I often settle for what I feel is 'just good enough'.

When my ex and I broke up after 4 years, I crashed from 'just good enough' to way below how I deserve to be treating myself. I have come close to ruining my credit via 'retail therapy', gained 40lbs, sending HIM long "I need/want to fix this" emails even though I KNOW that it probably can't be fixed and I deserve better. I have gone out on several dates just to not feel alone and ended up feeling even worse about myself because, well, let's just say I knew I deserved better than the guys I went out with.

Also, If you have read through all of the posts (it is okay if you haven't) there is an incident that I allude to on "Day 6"... and while I know that it wasn't necessarily my fault... I have to make sure that I am in a place within myself where nobody thinks that using me in any way is 1.) okay and 2.) something I will not fight.

So, my current varying level of self-esteem is what happens when a young women spends years of her life dealing with jerks on whom she has hung her entire self-worth.

I've decided it is time to prove to myself what a great person I really am... I need to love myself based on myself... and nothing else.

Now I feel like I am talking in circles, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I know what I am capable of, and these goals I have set for myself will get me where I want to be...

I think this comic expresses it perfectly...

I am just blogging out the "Then A Miracle Occurs" part. :-)

Day 17- To Dream a Dream

When I have a dream at night that sticks with me during the day, I often look up the possible interpretations of the dream and its elements. I wonder if 'dream dictionaries' are like newspaper horoscopes. I apologize to those of you who believe in them, but dream dictionaries and horoscopes both seem to be written in such a broad manner that they can cover anything.

Last night I dreamed about having a new baby. It was a little girl and she was in so many places in different dreams. The dream dictionaries I have read say that dreaming about babies can represent new beginnings... and that could totally be true. Right?

What is cool about that idea is how it applies to the rest of the dreams...

I felt a little bit overwhelmed by the new baby.

I was trying hard to provide for the new baby, but had trouble finding the money.

Some people stepped forward to help when I needed them.

But there were two things about the new baby that strike me now...

First, I tried to share the baby with HIM... and he wasn't interested.

Secondly, I was proud of the new baby... I showed her off a lot.

So, was my mind really telling me about the new beginnings that are coming... that I might need help, and I need to be careful with my money, and I might feel overwhelmed? That it is okay that HE doesn't want to be a part of it and that I will be proud of myself in the end?

Who knows really... but I do love this quote...

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I can't wait to see that come true yet again... Well, I'm off to bed...

Sweet dreams...

Day 10- The Next Big Change

Okay, so we have covered not dating. We have covered getting out of debt. We have covered eating better. Next: Exercise.

Goal: 30 Minutes a day of ACTIVITY of some sort.

(So if I take the stairs instead of the elevator, that counts as a minute.)

I think I can do it. Do you? Leave me some encouragement if you actually read this.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. ~Joey Adams

Day 7- Following and Being Followed

So yesterday's post was probably a bit of a shock for the few people who know me in real life. I'm fine. I'm over it for the most part. I didn't tell people for a lot of reasons. I've learned my lesson about trusting people who others tell me are not trustworthy.

As for the reaction I got when I told HIM, I don't know what to think. It is so unlike him that I can't help but think he is either a)trying to push me away and is being mean to do that, b)really hates me enough to think that. Either way, trying to work things out with him is out of the question. I have to stop clinging to the memories of the good days... and let him go.

Tomorrow I get to update the blog on how the things I want to change in my life have gone over the last week as a whole... I have a feeling it is going to be a little disappointing.

At some point I hope a few followers that don't know me in real life will be a boost to help me stick to what I need to do and encourage me to keep going. I'd be glad to follow your blog too if you are reading this. Just leave a comment and I'll check you out.

In other words... if you want to see how this all turns out...

But don't follow too closely... sometimes I run into walls.

-Waiting

Day 5- How I like my eggs...

If you have seen the movie "The Runaway Bride" you know that Richard Gere's character discovered that Julia's character never lived her own life. She always absorbed the traits of the man she dated. Her favorite eggs were whatever he liked. Near the end of the movie she has an epiphany and tries every single type of eggs that she can think of to decide which ones are her favorite.

I am not her. I don't conform to the man I am dating in every sense of the word. However, there are ways that I have done this in the past.

When I married my ex-husband, he loved baseball. I was immediately a baseball fan. We traveled to games a couple of times a season when we could. I even bought him playoff tickets for his birthday. I was a baseball fan. I watched baseball movies. I brushed up on my baseball stats. Today, I rarely know who's on top of the baseball standings.

I had another ex who was a NASCAR fan. Our dating was short-lived but I discovered a favorite driver and followed the sport from afar. I made a Jeff Gordon baby blanket for that ex so that he could wrap our baby in it when she was born.

Then there is HIM. You know who he is. He loved NASCAR and baseball and football. Since I already knew about NASCAR, I threw myself into it as a common interest between the two of us. I even brushed up on NASCAR trivia and lingo. I'd cheer when his favorite baseball team was on top and laugh with him about how bad his favorite football team was.

The last year that we were together I decided that I would throw myself into football as well. The sport obviously made him happy, so I wanted to be a part of that. I bought him tickets to a football game for Christmas. The game was awesome, but the weekend was off. He complained a lot and it really hurt my feelings. I still wish I could understand what was going on with him.

Anyway, my point is that I had a great time at the game itself. I also realized that I have had a great time at every game I've ever been too live. So, egg lesson #1 for me was "I like my sports live."

A few weeks ago a friend and I went to a NASCAR race. It was amazing. When the green flag dropped for the first time, I teared up. I didn't sit for the first 25 laps. It was amazing. Oops, I think I already said that. I had the best time ever while I was there. We almost got heat stroke, we had to beat a storm to get under the stands, I got flooded with water, I sat in and around my van for over an hour during the delay. I got to see the track dryers... who would have thought I would be excited to see track dryers!?! lol It was an awesome day.

Egg lesson #2: I really do love NASCAR.

(As I was typing that Carl Edwards regained the lead and won the race today!)

So it turns out I like my eggs fast, turning left, and oval... and even if my eggs aren't like that exactly, I will enjoy any kind of eggs as long as I'm surrounded with thousands of screaming fans.

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is

perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." -- Bertrand Russell