So a reader told me I seem pretty awesome and asked why I am trying to make all of these changes... here is my answer...
Honestly, the problem is that while I am pretty sure I KNOW I have the propensity for greatness, I often settle for what I feel is 'just good enough'.
When my ex and I broke up after 4 years, I crashed from 'just good enough' to way below how I deserve to be treating myself. I have come close to ruining my credit via 'retail therapy', gained 40lbs, sending HIM long "I need/want to fix this" emails even though I KNOW that it probably can't be fixed and I deserve better. I have gone out on several dates just to not feel alone and ended up feeling even worse about myself because, well, let's just say I knew I deserved better than the guys I went out with.
Also, If you have read through all of the posts (it is okay if you haven't) there is an incident that I allude to on "Day 6"... and while I know that it wasn't necessarily my fault... I have to make sure that I am in a place within myself where nobody thinks that using me in any way is 1.) okay and 2.) something I will not fight.
So, my current varying level of self-esteem is what happens when a young women spends years of her life dealing with jerks on whom she has hung her entire self-worth.
I've decided it is time to prove to myself what a great person I really am... I need to love myself based on myself... and nothing else.
Now I feel like I am talking in circles, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I know what I am capable of, and these goals I have set for myself will get me where I want to be...
I think this comic expresses it perfectly...
I am just blogging out the "Then A Miracle Occurs" part. :-)
Ahh. Well, I understand that completely. Sorry (again) for intruding in your personal space. I have never dealt with that personal problem, myself, but I did watch my mother go through something similar.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm glad to read about "Then a Miracle Occurs". It's all very interesting and I think you are really awesome! I just think sometimes you beat yourself up over mole-hills, that's all. But I totally understand. Love is painful stuff.
I hope you get your "miracle"!
Thanks. I do too... I think if I keep working at my own goals eventually I will get there.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is NO NEED to apologize for invading on my personal space! Believe it or not, this is posted on a public web page with open comments... I'm kind of encouraging people to comment that way.
It's funny how I have told just 3 people about this page... 2 of whom I know don't read it (my brother and HIM -in a getting more and more rare reaching out to HIM moment) and one of whom knows all my business anyway... other than that, I'm pretty sure all of my readers are complete strangers. At this point, I'd much rather take advice, questions, compliments, and deal with general accountability, etc from complete strangers anyway... :-D
Side note: By "All my readers" I mean the whole 7 that Google Reader says actually follow me. lol.
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