Day 31- Putting Your Behind in Your Past

As Pumba would say... "Ya gotta put your behind in your past..." Hakkuna Mattata, right?

Every day as I live life, my brain works overtime. Something always sparks a memory of something else, a thought of someone else, an experience I've had... But lately I am wondering if these memories are more than just a brain that is making connections.

I think back to the movie A Beautiful Mind and remember where Russell Crowe's friends and family discover he has gone off of his medication. They go into his shed and see hundreds of newspaper clippings. All of them have things circled and lines drawn between them. All of them are, according to Crowe's character, somehow connected and part of a conspiracy.

For him, a symptom of his illness was the making connections. I don't think it is a symptom of anything for me. I think it is more of a quirk that is holding me back some days. Here is an example:

Several years ago my van was a piece of junk. It was not safe to be a driver or passenger. I had no power steering, no heat, very bad brakes, and a whole slew of electrical problems (including locking itself without warning.) My boyfriend at the time (HIM) decided that he would help us out.

He bought my current van, put it in my name, refused to talk about payments, and made two comments that, I thought, told me where he stood on the whole thing. First he said, "It would be silly for me to make you pay for it if we are planning on getting married." (Because, in theory, we both believed in pooling out assets - I later found out that in reality he was not so much.) Also, he said that he was putting it only in my name because he didn't want to have any question about who's van it was. He said, "If we ever break up then I know it will have been for something really bad... and I'll consider it worth the cost of the van to be rid of you."

He took all the accolades from friends and family who told him he was a saint. He took my "Thank you for caring about the kids and I's safety this much" adoration. He never said a word. Then, just over a year later, I was rear-ended and received an insurance check. There was a long conversation about what to do with the money (most of it went for medical bills for my youngest), but he held out his hand and said that I should hand it over to him as partial payment for the van. I laughed. I thought he was kidding.

He wasn't.

It took me a year to pay him off, but I finally did it. Most of the people that know me told me I was crazy for doing it, and that the money I sent to him should have gone towards stuff my kids need. They may be right, but I did not want to be forever known as the girl who let him buy her a car and took off... no matter how far it was from the truth, the story would have been spun that way.

I do want to point out that I never asked him for financial help with anything. I didn't want to be 'rescued.' I wanted to do it on my own. But I had no choice when it came to the van. My children's safety was involved, and I sincerely thought I was going to marry him soon.

So, when money issues come up with NG and I, and he offers to help, I immediately freak out just the tiniest bit, thinking about all the trouble it has caused me in the past.

But then NG and I were talking (He needs a better nickname than NG for New Guy... any ideas?) about financial issues and he said something about me contributing to the household. I told him that if we were together then we were in everything together and everything went in one big financial bucket and we would go from there with budgeting and such.

And an amazing thing happened... He was all for it. He totally agreed with me. He didn't say, "Of course you think that way... you get the better end of the deal." or "Yeah right, like I'm going to let you touch my money." He said that once we got to that point, he'd add me to his bank account and get me a debit card.

I still don't want NG to bail me out of the messes I've made... but feeling like an equal... not like someone who should be grateful to be getting to sit in his presence... is wonderful. It makes me think about the connections my mind makes with issues from the past and say, "This is NG. Not some other guy you've dated in the past. You've never met another man like this, and you never will."

I'll leave you with a photo of the beautiful roses he bought me yesterday. I know you can't count them all in the photo, so I will tell you there are 50... 50 'just because I love you and I know you like flowers' roses.

Dear God, I truly believe you sent NG and I towards each other because you have some special plans for our lives. I so look forward to sitting on a porch swing someday, watching our grandkids play and saying, "So this was the plan... thanks for looking out for us... This is better than anything we could have imagined on our own."