I'd like to blame my parents. When I was growing up, both of my parents lied constantly. They wouldn't call it telling a lie. They would call it not hurting someone's feelings, staying out of trouble, or 'it's the truth'... with some added details for dramatic effect... The problem with this is that children learn and don't even realize they are learning something wrong.
I'd like to blame my ex-husband. He lied just for the sake of lying. He would lie about what he had for breakfast just for the thrill of getting away with it. He lied about a checkbook that was 'stolen' and purchases he couldn't have made with it... only for me to find the receipts stashed somewhere months later. Knowing he lied to me, made it easier to lie to him. It was a passive aggressive way of dealing with him.
But really, I'm an adult now. I know the difference between right and wrong. So telling the truth should be easy, right? Sometimes.
If I am scared of someone for any reason, I have been known to tell them what they want to hear to escape their anger. The more stressful a situation, the more likely an unintentional lie would slip out. It took a long time for me to see that as a lie... and even longer to try to change it.
I have been very careful in stressful situations lately to pay close attention to what I am saying and writing.
So yesterday, via email, I caught myself starting to tell HIM a lie. It was something that didn't matter in the big picture and something he never would have found out about. But I stopped myself. Still, I didn't feel right. So I sent him a second email telling him what happened and taking responsibility for it.
He didn't respond, but I didn't expect him to. He will talk to me about one subject and one subject only right now... anything personal is out.
But this isn't about him anyway. This is about me, making myself a better person, whether he cares about the changes I am making in my life or not...
I really hope that is the truth.
"Honesty does not always bring a response of love,
but it is absolutely essential to it."
I am glad that you are learning about your self in this . It is so easy to tell a lie, even if it doesnt hurt anyone its still lying! There is great joy in knowing just as a person you are becoming better! ( Jolene Flores)
ReplyDeleteHi i am toppie from the netherlands, i when i read your blog, i couldnt believe, how treu it is, i think a lot, of us feel the same guilt, have the same worries, and feel the same, i love your blog, and i will follow it happely, hope you dont mind my bad grammar :) i am dutch
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