I don't want to share details of the incident itself. It is his reaction to the incident that I'm writing about here.
When we were together and he would be mad or jealous of someone, he always took it out on me. Just once I wanted him to tell the person off or throw one punch to defend my honor. He never did.
Maybe I thought this was a chance for him to redeem himself... If it was he failed miserably. How does anyone tell a woman that a sexual assault was "what she deserved?"
I wish I hadn't told him... but at the same time now I know how he really feels... right? Who wants a man who could treat a woman like this?
I almost feel more violated now than I felt by the actual incident.
Maybe this is the wake-up call I needed to see that he really wasn't any better than anyone else I ever dated. He wasn't a knight in shining armor after all. Just a control freak with a 'nice-guy' demeanor.
"It's not the first time, not the only time and unfortunately not likely to be the last time that a lack of knowledge about sexual assault resulted in victim blaming decisions and behavior." ~Jae Weiss
Ahh. You told me to read this post, and now I have, I completely understand the desire for this blog as well as the weight gain and low self-esteem issues. Totally makes sense.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know how this feels (or, at least, something similar). I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that I was a victim of sexual assault at a VERY young, influential age. It's part of the reason I don't date much. Or socialize much. Or like to be touched...
And forget about HIM (by the way, sometimes I don't know if you're talking about the ex or God when you say this...)! He's a jerk if he reacted to your news with anything but sympathy and a desire to protect you. I once had a guy I told about my past actually smile at me directly afterwards, like it was good news. It really creeped me out!
If he didn't tell you he wanted to beat the crap out of whoever did it to you, he's no man. I wouldn't even call him an animal (most animals at least defend their own family set). He's got no balls, no guts, and deserves to be beaten up himself.
I hope you feel better about yourself soon! And if you ever want to talk privately about this situation, you can email me at kylarucci@gmail.com Like I said, I've been through sexual assault myself, and I know the scars and problems it leaves in its wake. So, if you want to just talk, or vent, or cry, or whatever, I'd be more than happy to do so!
Again, sorry for invading your personal space! I hope you feel better now and start regaining your self-esteem, as you are not responsible for what happened, in any way (logically, I'm sure you know this; it's just those dang emotions that won't be convinced). And, just so you know, sexual assault is not sex (I see you labeled it on your post), it's an attack, a violation. Sex is beautiful, made from God for us to enjoy. There's nothing beautiful in assault.
Well, have a better day and thank you for sharing this with me. I'm sorry for being so invasive, but I'm horribly opinionated for someone so young and feel the need to share.
I know what you mean. I really wanted to make excuses for why he didn't have any desire to stand up for me... but the fact was that he never stood up for me the whole time we dated. If someone flirted with me and he was jealous... I got yelled at... not them... this is just more of the same.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have spent a lot of time putting HIM up on a pedestal... thinking his words were truth... thinking everyone feels the way he feels. It's funny that I didn't notice until you mentioned that how I often talk about him and God in such a similar manner...
I agree with you about sex... I just thought it might come up in a future post and I wanted it found easily.